Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving youforever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothingto show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me thatyou quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a newhaircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep afterwatching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; youdon't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving awa yto West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It'strue that you and I have been married for seven years, although a goodman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing thatcame to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised menot to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confusedwith MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was acoincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from methat morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work itout. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job andbought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer saidthat the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So takecare.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
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