This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!
=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
it's more fun in the philippines
Repost: Since we have already the #itsmorefuninthephilippines, maybe we can also have some of these Philippines domestic tourism slogans:
- Boracay, You Sexy Beach!
- Haller, Baler!
- Bohol: Go To Hill!
- Be Cool, Bicol!
- Thank you, Camiguin!
- Maliit Navotas, Lumalaki!
- We Fly High In Capiz!
- Go Gaga In Naga!
- Kaibigan, Punta Na Sa Vigan!
- Virac, You Rock!
- Kamuning Get Me!
- Better Leyte Than Never!
- Whee! Tawi-Tawi!
- Walang Aayaw Sa Apayao!
- Maraming Gig Sa Taguig!
- Bongga Ka Day, Sa Norzagaray!
- I wanna dance with Zambales, I wanna feel the heat with Zambales!
- Boracay, You Sexy Beach!
- Haller, Baler!
- Bohol: Go To Hill!
- Be Cool, Bicol!
- Thank you, Camiguin!
- Maliit Navotas, Lumalaki!
- We Fly High In Capiz!
- Go Gaga In Naga!
- Kaibigan, Punta Na Sa Vigan!
- Virac, You Rock!
- Kamuning Get Me!
- Better Leyte Than Never!
- Whee! Tawi-Tawi!
- Walang Aayaw Sa Apayao!
- Maraming Gig Sa Taguig!
- Bongga Ka Day, Sa Norzagaray!
- I wanna dance with Zambales, I wanna feel the heat with Zambales!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
One day, Erap saw Pnoy reading a book on logic.
Erap : Mahirap ata yang binabas...a mong libro.
Pnoy : No, logic lang ito, madali lang.
Erap : Ano ba yang logic na yan, hindi ko ata alam yan.
Pnoy : Ganito lang yan, may aquarium ka ba sa haws?
Erap : Oo.
Pnoy : Kung may aquarium ka, eh di mahilig ka sa isda.
Erap : Oo.
Pnoy : Kung mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka rin sa dagat.
Erap: Oo.
Pnoy ; Eh di kung mahilig ka sa dagat, gusto mo pumupunta sa beach.
Erap : Oo.
Pnoy : At kung mahilig kang pumunta sa beach, mahilig ka sa babaeng naka-bathing suit.
Erap : Oo.
Pnoy : Eh kung mahilig ka sa mga seksing babaeng naka-bathing suit, eh di lalakeng - lalake ka.
Erap : Oo.
Pnoy : Eh kung lalakeng - lalake ka, eh di macho ka.
Erap : Oo.
Pnoy : Kita mo na, ganyan lang ang logic!
Erap : Okey pala yang logic na yan, ah!
The following day, Erap saw papa “P”
Erap : Piolo, susubukan ko lang itong tinuro sa aking logic ni Pnoy.
Piolo : Sige nga po!
Erap : May aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Piolo : Wala.
Erap : Bakla ka nga!
Pnoy : No, logic lang ito, madali lang.
Erap : Ano ba yang logic na yan, hindi ko ata alam yan.
Pnoy : Ganito lang yan, may aquarium ka ba sa haws?
Erap : Oo.
Pnoy : Kung may aquarium ka, eh di mahilig ka sa isda.
Erap : Oo.
Pnoy : Kung mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka rin sa dagat.
Erap: Oo.
Pnoy ; Eh di kung mahilig ka sa dagat, gusto mo pumupunta sa beach.
Erap : Oo.
Pnoy : At kung mahilig kang pumunta sa beach, mahilig ka sa babaeng naka-bathing suit.
Erap : Oo.
Pnoy : Eh kung mahilig ka sa mga seksing babaeng naka-bathing suit, eh di lalakeng - lalake ka.
Erap : Oo.
Pnoy : Eh kung lalakeng - lalake ka, eh di macho ka.
Erap : Oo.
Pnoy : Kita mo na, ganyan lang ang logic!
Erap : Okey pala yang logic na yan, ah!
The following day, Erap saw papa “P”
Erap : Piolo, susubukan ko lang itong tinuro sa aking logic ni Pnoy.
Piolo : Sige nga po!
Erap : May aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Piolo : Wala.
Erap : Bakla ka nga!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
* Romance 9..5 and
* Personal Attention 6.5,
and then installed undesirable programs , such as
* NBA 5.0,
* NFL 3.0 and
* MLB 4.1
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
* Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
DEAR DESPERATE ,
First, keep in mind,
* Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
* Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update.
* If that application works as designed, Husband1..0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can causeHusband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 orBeer 6.1 .
* Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, D0 NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to re - install the Boyfriend 5.0program. These are unsupported applications and will crashHusband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
* Cooking 3.0 and
* Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
* Romance 9..5 and
* Personal Attention 6.5,
and then installed undesirable programs , such as
* NBA 5.0,
* NFL 3.0 and
* MLB 4.1
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
* Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
DEAR DESPERATE ,
First, keep in mind,
* Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
* Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update.
* If that application works as designed, Husband1..0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can causeHusband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 orBeer 6.1 .
* Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, D0 NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to re - install the Boyfriend 5.0program. These are unsupported applications and will crashHusband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
* Cooking 3.0 and
* Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Married Humour
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and no."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife,
"Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor"
--------------------
I love this Doctor
I love this DoctorQ: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! -- I really love this doctor!!!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
AND.....For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
--- j o k e t y m !!!! ---
Ang mga Bisaya di ko maintindihan English nila.
English ng isda... pis.
English ng mukha... pis.
Ng pandikit... pis.
Ng kapayapaan.. . pis.
Tinanong pa ako kung saan ako nakatira... Pis 1 o Pis 2?
Pisti!
=======
(in a cabinet meeting ...)
GMA: oshige ... kung shino man ang tamaan ng bola na ay siyang magre-resign (initsa ang bola, tumalbog pabalik sa kanya ...)
GMA: o ... praktish lang un noh? ulet!
=======
Director: "Sir, we have to do something with our population program. A woman gives birth every 30 seconds here in the Philippines . ..
Erap: "Ha?, you're right...FIND THAT WOMAN!!!"
=======
Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan? Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!
=======
Mom: baby, you're good in math. Now I'm going to ask you a question.
Baby: sure mom
Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4 apples, what's your answer?
Baby: thank you po!!!
=======
BF: may malaki ako problema.
GF: wag mo sabihin problema MO lang, problema NATIN dahil nagmamahalan tayo.ngayon ano problema natin?
BF: nabuntis NATIN si inday at TAYO ang ama
=======
Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe
Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare2: pare, ako nanalo!!!
=======
Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: bakit?
Killer: kasi po naniniwala si la sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba?
Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang!
=======
Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: oo doc! puta pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!
=======
Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder... WAAAAAHHHHHH! !!! scream ed the driver... Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25 years po kasi ako driver ng funenaria
=======
1 panget na babe, hinoholdap
Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!
Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...
=======
1 lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang aso
Lasing: hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?
Babae: aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang kausap ko!
=======
In a pet shop... Customer talking to a parrot...
Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!
Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? GAGO!!!
=======
Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit
Mga bakla: okey lang po father..dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide! !!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Gay Nursery Rhymes
*BUBUKA ANG BULAKLAK
Bubukesh ang floweret
jojosok ang reyna
belzshochurva ng chacha
pa jembot jembot fah
boom tiyayavush
tiyayavush chenes
boom tiyayavush
tiyayavush chenes
______________________________
*PEN PEN DE SARAHPEN
Pen pen de chorvaloo
de kemerloo de eklavoo
hao hao de chenelyn
de ba yutech
si friti dapat iipit
goldness-filak
chumochorva
sa tabi ng chenes
shoyang fula
talong na fula
shoyang fute
talong na mapute
chuk chak chenes
chuk chak chenes
namo uz ek
______________________________
*TAGU-TAGUAN
Shogu-shoguan
ning ning galore ng buwan
pag-counting ng krompu
naka shogu na kayey
jisa
krolawa
shotlo
kyopat
jimak
yonim
nyitoert
walochi
syamert
krompu
mga beki
andetrax na si atashi
______________________________
*AKO AY MAY ALAGA
aketch may nyologa
solang majuba
juntot ay majoba
majinis ang nyukha
halgay niya aketch
halgay ko rin siyasi
kaya mekey mudwa
laging magkajoma
______________________________
*SAMPUNG MGA DALIRI
jompung mga joliri
jomay at tiil
joluwang jenga
joluwang tameyk
jilong na magandich
majijiit ng ngipin
majurap ilafez
jilang majiit nagjojobing
wag kang magjijinungaling
______________________________
*INDIAN PANA
indian shona
shoshona-shona
shotlong jitlog
jojolog jolog
indian jona
jojona-jona
shotlong jitlog
jojolog jolog
______________________________
*BAHAY KUBO
valer kuberch
kahit jutayang
julamantrax dochi
ay anek anek
nyongkamas at nyutring
nyogarilyas at kipey
nyitaw, nyotaw jutani
kundol, jutola
jupo't jolabastrax
at mega join join pa
jubanox, nyustasa
jubanox, nyustasa
nyobuyas, nyomatis
nyowang at luyax
at around the keme
ayfulness ng linga
______________________________
*AKO AY MAY LOBO
akez ay may lobing
nag flysung sa heaven
wiz ko na na sighting
nyomutok na palerz
shoyang lang ang adeks
pang buysung ng lobing
nyuti pa pang lafez
nyomusog pa akez
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
ANG ALAMAT KUNG BAKIT DAW SINUNGALING ANG MGA LALAKE..
Ito nga ba ang alamat kung bakit nagsisinungaling ang mga lalaki...?
Karpintero itong si Pedro at isang araw eh gumagawa siya ng isang bahay sa tabi ng ilog. Sa lakas ng pagmamartilyo niya eh nalaglag ang martilyo niya sa ilog.
Umiyak siya at lumitaw yung guardian angel niya, "Tutulungan kita, Pedro" Sabay lundag sa ilog. Lumabas ito na me hawak na gold hammer, "Ito ba ang martilyo mo?"... "Hindi po." Lundag uli ang anghel at lumitaw na me silver hammer, "Ito ba?" "Hindi po." Lundag uli sa ilog ang anghel at lumitaw na me ordinary hammer, "Ito ba?" "Opo!"
Natuwa ang anghel. "Dahil honest ka, bukod sa martilyo mo, sa 'yo na rin ang gold and silver hammer!"
Makaraan ang ilang araw, naglalakad si Pedro sa ilog at kasama ang misis niya. Eh sa katangahan, nalaglag si misis sa ilog. Iyak si Pedro. Litaw si guardian angel. "Tutulungan kita." Sabay lundag sa ilog at ng lumitaw eh kasama si Diana Zubiri. "Ito ba ang misis mo?" Sagot si Pedro, "Opo!" Nagalit si anghel, "Sinungaling ka. Akala ko pa naman eh mabait ka."
Nag-reason-out si Pedro,
"Sorry po, angel... kasi kapag sinabi kong 'Hindi', eh lulundag ka uli sa tubig at paglitaw mo eh kasama mo si Katrina Halili. At kapag sinabi ko uli na hindi siya ang asawa ko, eh lulundag ka uli at ang tunay namisis ko na ang kasama mo. At dahil sa kabaitan ko, eh ibibigay mo din sa akin sina Diana at Katrina.
Mahirap lang po ako at hindi ko kaya ang me tatlong asawa, kaya 'Yes' na lang ang sinagot ko nung una."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Kaya lang naman nagsisinungaling ang mga lalaki eh for a good and noble reason
Karpintero itong si Pedro at isang araw eh gumagawa siya ng isang bahay sa tabi ng ilog. Sa lakas ng pagmamartilyo niya eh nalaglag ang martilyo niya sa ilog.
Umiyak siya at lumitaw yung guardian angel niya, "Tutulungan kita, Pedro" Sabay lundag sa ilog. Lumabas ito na me hawak na gold hammer, "Ito ba ang martilyo mo?"... "Hindi po." Lundag uli ang anghel at lumitaw na me silver hammer, "Ito ba?" "Hindi po." Lundag uli sa ilog ang anghel at lumitaw na me ordinary hammer, "Ito ba?" "Opo!"
Natuwa ang anghel. "Dahil honest ka, bukod sa martilyo mo, sa 'yo na rin ang gold and silver hammer!"
Makaraan ang ilang araw, naglalakad si Pedro sa ilog at kasama ang misis niya. Eh sa katangahan, nalaglag si misis sa ilog. Iyak si Pedro. Litaw si guardian angel. "Tutulungan kita." Sabay lundag sa ilog at ng lumitaw eh kasama si Diana Zubiri. "Ito ba ang misis mo?" Sagot si Pedro, "Opo!" Nagalit si anghel, "Sinungaling ka. Akala ko pa naman eh mabait ka."
Nag-reason-out si Pedro,
"Sorry po, angel... kasi kapag sinabi kong 'Hindi', eh lulundag ka uli sa tubig at paglitaw mo eh kasama mo si Katrina Halili. At kapag sinabi ko uli na hindi siya ang asawa ko, eh lulundag ka uli at ang tunay namisis ko na ang kasama mo. At dahil sa kabaitan ko, eh ibibigay mo din sa akin sina Diana at Katrina.
Mahirap lang po ako at hindi ko kaya ang me tatlong asawa, kaya 'Yes' na lang ang sinagot ko nung una."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Kaya lang naman nagsisinungaling ang mga lalaki eh for a good and noble reason
Women Are Evil By Nature...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both of her hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied..
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, as she ran her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?
'Yes, I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and she slyly popped a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowed him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say?
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'
Friday, November 7, 2008
Bob Ong Quotes...
PAG-IBIG
"Kung hindi mo mahal and isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo paramahalin ka nya.."
"Lahat naman ng tao sumeseryoso pag tinamaan ng pagmamahal. Yun nga lang,hindi lahat matibay para sa temptasyon."
"Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong malapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo."
"Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."
"Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."
"Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."
"Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."
"Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo..Dapat lumandi ka din."
"Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod naaraw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."
"Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."
"Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rinna di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang."
"Bakit ba ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali? alam ba nilang pagnatuto silang umibig e hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila?"
"Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap nasabilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama ka."
"Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon,kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo:magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso,utak,atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"
PAG-AARAL
"Mag-aral maigi. Kung titigil ka sa pag-aaral, manghihinayang kapag tanda mo dahil hindi mo naranasan ang kakaibang ligayang dulot ng mga araw nawalang pasok o suspendido ang klase o absent ang teacher. (Haaay, sarap!)."
"Nalaman kong marami palang libreng lecture sa mundo, ikaw ang gagawa ngsyllabus. Maraming teacher sa labas ng eskuwelahan, desisyon mo kung kanino ka magpapaturo. Lahat tayo enrolled ngayon sa isang university, maraming subject na mahirap, pero dahil libre, ikaw ang talo kung nag-drop ka.Isa-isatayong ga-graduate, iba't-ibang paraan. tanging diploma ay ang mgaalaala ng kung ano mang tulong o pagmamahal ang iniwan natin sa mundong pinangarap nating baguhin minsan..."
"Hikayatin mo lahat ng kakilala mo na magkaroon ng kahit isa man lang paboritong libro sa buhay nila. Dahil wala nang mas kawawa pa sa mga taong literado pero hindi nagbabasa."
"dalawang dekada ka lang mag-aaral. kung 'di mo pagtityagaan, limang dekadang kahirapan ang kapalit. sobrang lugi. kung alam lang 'yan ng mgakabataan, sa pananaw ko ehh walang gugustuhing umiwas sa eskwela."
BUHAY (IN GENERAL)
"nalaman kong hindi final exam ang passing rate ng buhay. hindi ito multiple choice, identification, true or false, enumeration or fill-in-the-blanks nasinasagutan kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw. Huhusgahan ito hindi base sa kung tama o mali ang sagot, kundi base sa kung may kabuluhan ang mgaisinulato wala. Allowed ang erasures."
"Kumain ka na ng siopao na may palamang pusa o maglakad sa bubog nang nakayapak, pero wag na wag kang susubok mag-drugs. Kung hindi mo kayang umiwas, humingi ka ng tulong sa mga magulang mo dahil alam nila kung saan angmga murang supplier at hindi ka nila iisahan."
"Mangarap ka at abutin mo. Wag mong sisihin ang sira mong pamilya,palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta, o mga lumilipad na ipis. Kung may pagkukulang sa'yo mga magulang mo, pwde kang manisi at maging rebelde. Tumigil ka sapag-aaral, mag-asawa ka, mag-drugs ka, magpakulay ka ng buhok sakili-kili. Sa bandi ng huli, ikaw din ang biktima. Rebeldeng walang napatunayan at bait sa sarili."
"Tuparin ang mga pangarap. Obligasyon mo yan sa sarili mo. Kung gusto mo mang kumain ng balde-baldeng lupa para malagay ka sa Guinness Book of WorldRecords at maipagmalaki ng bansa natin, sige lang. Nosi balasi. wag mong pansinin ang sasabihin ng mga taong susubok humarang sa'yo. Kung hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon, hindi pa rin tayo dapat nakatira sa jupiter ngayon. Pero hindi pa rin naman talaga tayo nakatira sa jupiter dahil n ga hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon. Kita mo yung moral lesson?"
"Nalaman kong habang lumalaki ka, maraming beses kang madadapa. Bumangon ka man ulit o hindi, magpapatuloy ang buhay, iikot ang mundo, at mauubos ang oras."
HALO-HALO
"Wag magmadali sa pag-aasawa. Tatlo, lima , sampung taon sa hinaharap,mag-iiba pa ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong di pala tamang pumili ngkapareha dahil lang sa kaboses niya si Debbie Gibson o magaling mag-breakdance. Totoong mas importante ang kalooban ng tao higit anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan sa eskwelahan e nagmumukha ring pandesal. Maniwala ka."
"ayokong nasasanay sa mga bagay na pwede namang wala sa buhay ko."
"hinahanap mo nga ba ako o ang kawalan ko?"
"hindi dahil sa hindi mo naiintindihan ang isang bagay aykasinungalingan naito. at hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan. "
"Sabi nila, sa kahit ano raw problema, isang tao lang ang makakatulong sa'yo- ang sarili mo. Tama sila. Isinuplong ako ng sarili ko. Kaya siguro namigay ng konsyensya ang Diyos, alam niyang hindi sa lahat ng oras e gumagana ang utak ng tao."
"Obligasyon kong maglayag, karapatan kong pumunta sa kung saan ko gusto,responsibilidad ko ang buhay ko."
"Masama akong tao, tulad mo, sa parehong paraan na mabuti kang tao,tulad ko."
"Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sapaggawa ng wala."
"iba ang walang ginagawa sa gumagawa ng wala."
"iba ang informal gramar sa mali !!!"
" Para san ba ang cellphone na may camera? Kung kailangan sa buhay un,dapatmatagal na kong patay."
"Pare, isa kang totoong tao at walang halong kasinungalingan. InEnglish,FACT you, pare. Totoo ka. In English, FACT you!"
"Kung hindi mo mahal and isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo paramahalin ka nya.."
"Lahat naman ng tao sumeseryoso pag tinamaan ng pagmamahal. Yun nga lang,hindi lahat matibay para sa temptasyon."
"Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong malapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo."
"Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."
"Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."
"Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."
"Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."
"Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo..Dapat lumandi ka din."
"Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod naaraw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."
"Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."
"Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rinna di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang."
"Bakit ba ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali? alam ba nilang pagnatuto silang umibig e hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila?"
"Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap nasabilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama ka."
"Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon,kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo:magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso,utak,atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"
PAG-AARAL
"Mag-aral maigi. Kung titigil ka sa pag-aaral, manghihinayang kapag tanda mo dahil hindi mo naranasan ang kakaibang ligayang dulot ng mga araw nawalang pasok o suspendido ang klase o absent ang teacher. (Haaay, sarap!)."
"Nalaman kong marami palang libreng lecture sa mundo, ikaw ang gagawa ngsyllabus. Maraming teacher sa labas ng eskuwelahan, desisyon mo kung kanino ka magpapaturo. Lahat tayo enrolled ngayon sa isang university, maraming subject na mahirap, pero dahil libre, ikaw ang talo kung nag-drop ka.Isa-isatayong ga-graduate, iba't-ibang paraan. tanging diploma ay ang mgaalaala ng kung ano mang tulong o pagmamahal ang iniwan natin sa mundong pinangarap nating baguhin minsan..."
"Hikayatin mo lahat ng kakilala mo na magkaroon ng kahit isa man lang paboritong libro sa buhay nila. Dahil wala nang mas kawawa pa sa mga taong literado pero hindi nagbabasa."
"dalawang dekada ka lang mag-aaral. kung 'di mo pagtityagaan, limang dekadang kahirapan ang kapalit. sobrang lugi. kung alam lang 'yan ng mgakabataan, sa pananaw ko ehh walang gugustuhing umiwas sa eskwela."
BUHAY (IN GENERAL)
"nalaman kong hindi final exam ang passing rate ng buhay. hindi ito multiple choice, identification, true or false, enumeration or fill-in-the-blanks nasinasagutan kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw. Huhusgahan ito hindi base sa kung tama o mali ang sagot, kundi base sa kung may kabuluhan ang mgaisinulato wala. Allowed ang erasures."
"Kumain ka na ng siopao na may palamang pusa o maglakad sa bubog nang nakayapak, pero wag na wag kang susubok mag-drugs. Kung hindi mo kayang umiwas, humingi ka ng tulong sa mga magulang mo dahil alam nila kung saan angmga murang supplier at hindi ka nila iisahan."
"Mangarap ka at abutin mo. Wag mong sisihin ang sira mong pamilya,palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta, o mga lumilipad na ipis. Kung may pagkukulang sa'yo mga magulang mo, pwde kang manisi at maging rebelde. Tumigil ka sapag-aaral, mag-asawa ka, mag-drugs ka, magpakulay ka ng buhok sakili-kili. Sa bandi ng huli, ikaw din ang biktima. Rebeldeng walang napatunayan at bait sa sarili."
"Tuparin ang mga pangarap. Obligasyon mo yan sa sarili mo. Kung gusto mo mang kumain ng balde-baldeng lupa para malagay ka sa Guinness Book of WorldRecords at maipagmalaki ng bansa natin, sige lang. Nosi balasi. wag mong pansinin ang sasabihin ng mga taong susubok humarang sa'yo. Kung hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon, hindi pa rin tayo dapat nakatira sa jupiter ngayon. Pero hindi pa rin naman talaga tayo nakatira sa jupiter dahil n ga hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon. Kita mo yung moral lesson?"
"Nalaman kong habang lumalaki ka, maraming beses kang madadapa. Bumangon ka man ulit o hindi, magpapatuloy ang buhay, iikot ang mundo, at mauubos ang oras."
HALO-HALO
"Wag magmadali sa pag-aasawa. Tatlo, lima , sampung taon sa hinaharap,mag-iiba pa ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong di pala tamang pumili ngkapareha dahil lang sa kaboses niya si Debbie Gibson o magaling mag-breakdance. Totoong mas importante ang kalooban ng tao higit anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan sa eskwelahan e nagmumukha ring pandesal. Maniwala ka."
"ayokong nasasanay sa mga bagay na pwede namang wala sa buhay ko."
"hinahanap mo nga ba ako o ang kawalan ko?"
"hindi dahil sa hindi mo naiintindihan ang isang bagay aykasinungalingan naito. at hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan. "
"Sabi nila, sa kahit ano raw problema, isang tao lang ang makakatulong sa'yo- ang sarili mo. Tama sila. Isinuplong ako ng sarili ko. Kaya siguro namigay ng konsyensya ang Diyos, alam niyang hindi sa lahat ng oras e gumagana ang utak ng tao."
"Obligasyon kong maglayag, karapatan kong pumunta sa kung saan ko gusto,responsibilidad ko ang buhay ko."
"Masama akong tao, tulad mo, sa parehong paraan na mabuti kang tao,tulad ko."
"Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sapaggawa ng wala."
"iba ang walang ginagawa sa gumagawa ng wala."
"iba ang informal gramar sa mali !!!"
" Para san ba ang cellphone na may camera? Kung kailangan sa buhay un,dapatmatagal na kong patay."
"Pare, isa kang totoong tao at walang halong kasinungalingan. InEnglish,FACT you, pare. Totoo ka. In English, FACT you!"
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
CHEWING GUM
In a New York sidewalk, a Filipino is enjoying a hearty breakfast " coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc.
While an American, chewing a gum, sat next to him and started an unwanted conversation..
American: You Filipinos eat the whole bread?
Filipino : Of course!
American: ( Blowing bubbles with his gum) We don't. We, Americans only eat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle, make these into croissants and sell these to the Philippines .
American: Do you eat jam with bread?
Filipino : Of course!
American: (Chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth) We don't. Americans eat fruits at breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and leftovers into containers, turn these into jam and sell it to the Philippines .
Filipino : Do you have sex in America ?
American: Of course, we do!
Filipino : What do you do with the condoms?
American: We throw them, of course!
Filipino : We don't. In the Philippines , we put them into containers, recycle them, turn them into chewing gums and sell it to America .
While an American, chewing a gum, sat next to him and started an unwanted conversation..
American: You Filipinos eat the whole bread?
Filipino : Of course!
American: ( Blowing bubbles with his gum) We don't. We, Americans only eat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle, make these into croissants and sell these to the Philippines .
American: Do you eat jam with bread?
Filipino : Of course!
American: (Chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth) We don't. Americans eat fruits at breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and leftovers into containers, turn these into jam and sell it to the Philippines .
Filipino : Do you have sex in America ?
American: Of course, we do!
Filipino : What do you do with the condoms?
American: We throw them, of course!
Filipino : We don't. In the Philippines , we put them into containers, recycle them, turn them into chewing gums and sell it to America .
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
phone conversation
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
**Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water **
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number.........
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
**Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water **
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number.........
Monday, May 12, 2008
jokes 6
Leader: Pare balita ko bading ka daw, totoo ba?!
Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenilyn nila... chura nila! hmpf!
Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!
Maid: Sir sinong mas yummy? si mam ba o ako?
Sir: Syempre naman ikaw day! bakit?
Maid: Naguguluhan lang po kasi ako eh... sabi kasi ng driver, eh mas yummy daw talaga si mam!
A Husband came home 4AM and saw his wife in bed with another man
His wife shouted at him, "Where have you been?"
Husband: "Who is that man?!?"
Wife: "Grabe ka! Dont change the topic!!"
Holdaper: re-reypin ko lahat ng babae dito!
Prosti: ako na lang po, maawa kayo sa iba..
Lola: Whoaa! Epal! Sinabi na ngang LAHAT eh! sasagot pa!
Mister: Di ko na kaya problema ko!
Misis: Hon, problema natin ito, tayo ang magkasama sa buhay, lahat ng problema mo problema ko... ano problema natin?
Mister: nabuntis natin si Inday, tayo ang ama!
Pedro: Pare bakit malungkot ka?
Juan: Asawa ko nag hire ng driver, Gwapo, Bata, Macho!
Pedro: Nagseselos ka?
Juan: Nagtataka lang ako kasi wala kaming sasakyan
Bakla at Macho nagkasabay sa CR...
Bakla: Ang laki naman nyan sayo...
Macho: Wala na tong silbi kasi iniwan na ako ng GF ko... puputulin ko na lang at ipapakain sa aso! Bakla: aw! aw! aw!
MADRE: Ano ang apelyido mo, iho?
SAKRISTAN: Alam nyo na ho yun sister, lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
MADRE: Susme! Bayag ang apelyido mo?!
SAKRISTAN: Sister naman, Rosario po.
PUPIL: Mam, bumubukol po ba ang utot?
TEACHER: No! Definitely not! Kasi hangin lang yun! Remember class, hindi
bumubukol ang utot...
PUPIL: Naku patay! Tae na to!
Mag-asawa having sex...
HUSBAND: Honey, mag dirty talk ka naman para ganahan ako!
WIFE: Ahhh...Shit! Basuraaa... Kanal... Taeee... Oooh... Patay na dagaaaa!
PARROT: Psst! Baho! Baho! Baho!
IKAW: Pag sinabi mo pa uli sa kin yan, papatayin kita!
> >D next day...
PARROT: Psst! Psst!
IKAW: O, Bakit?!
PARROT: Lam mo na yun!
Girl 1 : Halata na tiyan mo, bakit di pa kayo magpakasal ng BF mo?
Girl 2 : Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh !
Girl 1 : Sino may ayaw, tatay o nanay niya ?
Girl 2 : yung misis niya !
Amo: 'Day, gamitin mo ang chalk na ito para mamatay ang ipis. Ilagay mo sa pader.
Maid : Opo, ati.
Next day ...... Nagulat ang amo, nakasulat sa pader...
"Epes mamatay kayong lahat!"
Doctor: Lolo, I need your urine, stool and semen sample.
Lolo: Ano daw??
Lola: Ibigay mo nalang ang brief mo, andun na lahat yun.
GF: I'm warning you!!! Parating na daddy ko in one Hour!
BF: Wala naman akong ginagawang masama ah?
GF: Kaya nga!!! Kung may balak ka...Gawin mo na!!!
Friend: Wow Pare...ganda ng sapatos mo ah.
Husband: Oo...Surprise gift ng Kumare mo yan.
Friend: Surprise??? Bakit...Ano okasyon?
Husband: Wala...Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin yan kagabi.
Pasahe Sa Isang Jeep
Pasahero: Mama, Magkano Po Yung Pasahe?
Driver: 7.50 Yung Minimum
Pasahero: (Dumukot Ito Sa Bulsa Para Kunin Yung Pera Niya, Ngunit sa Di Sinasadyang Dahilan Kulang Yung Pamasahe Niya.) Patay, Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Paano Kaya Ito? (Nag Isip Ito At Lumingon Sa Driver. Napansin Niya Na Duling Ito. Sabi Niya Sa Kanyang Sarili, Tama Duling Yung Driver Sigurado Pag Nagbigay Ako Ng 3.75 di Niya Mapapansin Na Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Kasi Doble Yung Paningin Nito. Inabot Niya Sa Driver Yung Pera.
Ngunit Laking Gulat Niya Nung May Sinabi Yung Driver Sa Kanya.
Driver: Kulang Ito!
Pasahero: Anong Kulang? Di Ba Sabi Mo 7.50 Yung Minimum?
Driver: Oo Nga 7.50 eh Dalawa Kaya Kayo.
LOLO: Apo, buhatin mo nga ako
APO: Bket po LoLo? San ko po kau dadalhin sa CR po ba ?
LOLO: Hindi! ipatong mo'ko sa LOLA mo ...
HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: MAY REKLAMO KB SA DOKTOR NMIN ?
BABAE: OPO. BIGLA KCNG PINASOK ANG DALIRI NIA SA ARI KO E !
DIRECTOR: TLAGANG GANUN PAG EXAMINE.
BABAE: DBA DAPAT DILAAN MUNA ?
Mam: Inday, ipaghanda mo si Sir mo ng paborito niyang pagkain.
Inday: Mam, naghugas na po ako !!!
Caloi : Tay, bakit yung "bird" ng classmate ko parang champoy . . ?!?!
Tatay : Hahahaha, bakit, maliit ba?
Caloi : Hindi tay eh . . . maalat eh !!!
Atty : OK lang ba? Medyo maliit lang itong sa akin eh
GRO : Sus ginoo Sir, marami na akong nakitang ganyan kaliit !!!
Atty : Talaga ?!?!
GRO : Oo Sir !!! Yaya kasi ako dati eh !!!
HARI: ano gusto mong parusa sa kasalanan mo? ipakain sa leOn O pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet?
PEDRO: mas gugustuhin ko pang pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet !
HARI: mga kawal, ilabas c JOLLIBEE !
A guy stops to visit his friend, who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, “My feet are cold. Would you get my sneakers for me?”
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend’s two gorgeous daughters. He says, “Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you.”
The first daughter says, “That’s not true.”
He says, “I’ll prove it.”
He yells down the stairs, “Both of them?”
His friend yells back, “Of course, both of them.”
NUN: mother! I was raped. What shall I do?
Mother SUPERIOR: here, take this calamansi.
NUN: will this ease the pain?
Mother SUPERIOR: sipsipin mo! Nang mawala ngiti sa mukha mo, g**a!
GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang t**an*ad*!
PATIENT : Doc, ayos yung wonder drug na nireseta mo ah!! Nakaka apat na round na ako sa sex ngayon !!!
DOCTOR : Ano naman ang sabi ng Mrs. mo?
PATIENT : Wala pa !!! Hindi pa ako umuuwi eh !!!
GIRL:mag-69 tayo dear !
BOY:pano yun?
GIRL:ganito lang...
(pmwesto n cla at bglang nautot ang girl ng 4 times):
BOY:ayoko na!DI KO N KYA UNG NATITIRANG 65
Two nurses on duty...
Nurse 1: Hoy! Gaga, bakit may thermometer sa tenga mo!
Nurse 2: Ha? susmaryosep! kaninong pwet ko kaya naiwan yung ballpen ko!!
Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenilyn nila... chura nila! hmpf!
Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!
Maid: Sir sinong mas yummy? si mam ba o ako?
Sir: Syempre naman ikaw day! bakit?
Maid: Naguguluhan lang po kasi ako eh... sabi kasi ng driver, eh mas yummy daw talaga si mam!
A Husband came home 4AM and saw his wife in bed with another man
His wife shouted at him, "Where have you been?"
Husband: "Who is that man?!?"
Wife: "Grabe ka! Dont change the topic!!"
Holdaper: re-reypin ko lahat ng babae dito!
Prosti: ako na lang po, maawa kayo sa iba..
Lola: Whoaa! Epal! Sinabi na ngang LAHAT eh! sasagot pa!
Mister: Di ko na kaya problema ko!
Misis: Hon, problema natin ito, tayo ang magkasama sa buhay, lahat ng problema mo problema ko... ano problema natin?
Mister: nabuntis natin si Inday, tayo ang ama!
Pedro: Pare bakit malungkot ka?
Juan: Asawa ko nag hire ng driver, Gwapo, Bata, Macho!
Pedro: Nagseselos ka?
Juan: Nagtataka lang ako kasi wala kaming sasakyan
Bakla at Macho nagkasabay sa CR...
Bakla: Ang laki naman nyan sayo...
Macho: Wala na tong silbi kasi iniwan na ako ng GF ko... puputulin ko na lang at ipapakain sa aso! Bakla: aw! aw! aw!
MADRE: Ano ang apelyido mo, iho?
SAKRISTAN: Alam nyo na ho yun sister, lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
MADRE: Susme! Bayag ang apelyido mo?!
SAKRISTAN: Sister naman, Rosario po.
PUPIL: Mam, bumubukol po ba ang utot?
TEACHER: No! Definitely not! Kasi hangin lang yun! Remember class, hindi
bumubukol ang utot...
PUPIL: Naku patay! Tae na to!
Mag-asawa having sex...
HUSBAND: Honey, mag dirty talk ka naman para ganahan ako!
WIFE: Ahhh...Shit! Basuraaa... Kanal... Taeee... Oooh... Patay na dagaaaa!
PARROT: Psst! Baho! Baho! Baho!
IKAW: Pag sinabi mo pa uli sa kin yan, papatayin kita!
> >D next day...
PARROT: Psst! Psst!
IKAW: O, Bakit?!
PARROT: Lam mo na yun!
Girl 1 : Halata na tiyan mo, bakit di pa kayo magpakasal ng BF mo?
Girl 2 : Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh !
Girl 1 : Sino may ayaw, tatay o nanay niya ?
Girl 2 : yung misis niya !
Amo: 'Day, gamitin mo ang chalk na ito para mamatay ang ipis. Ilagay mo sa pader.
Maid : Opo, ati.
Next day ...... Nagulat ang amo, nakasulat sa pader...
"Epes mamatay kayong lahat!"
Doctor: Lolo, I need your urine, stool and semen sample.
Lolo: Ano daw??
Lola: Ibigay mo nalang ang brief mo, andun na lahat yun.
GF: I'm warning you!!! Parating na daddy ko in one Hour!
BF: Wala naman akong ginagawang masama ah?
GF: Kaya nga!!! Kung may balak ka...Gawin mo na!!!
Friend: Wow Pare...ganda ng sapatos mo ah.
Husband: Oo...Surprise gift ng Kumare mo yan.
Friend: Surprise??? Bakit...Ano okasyon?
Husband: Wala...Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin yan kagabi.
Pasahe Sa Isang Jeep
Pasahero: Mama, Magkano Po Yung Pasahe?
Driver: 7.50 Yung Minimum
Pasahero: (Dumukot Ito Sa Bulsa Para Kunin Yung Pera Niya, Ngunit sa Di Sinasadyang Dahilan Kulang Yung Pamasahe Niya.) Patay, Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Paano Kaya Ito? (Nag Isip Ito At Lumingon Sa Driver. Napansin Niya Na Duling Ito. Sabi Niya Sa Kanyang Sarili, Tama Duling Yung Driver Sigurado Pag Nagbigay Ako Ng 3.75 di Niya Mapapansin Na Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Kasi Doble Yung Paningin Nito. Inabot Niya Sa Driver Yung Pera.
Ngunit Laking Gulat Niya Nung May Sinabi Yung Driver Sa Kanya.
Driver: Kulang Ito!
Pasahero: Anong Kulang? Di Ba Sabi Mo 7.50 Yung Minimum?
Driver: Oo Nga 7.50 eh Dalawa Kaya Kayo.
LOLO: Apo, buhatin mo nga ako
APO: Bket po LoLo? San ko po kau dadalhin sa CR po ba ?
LOLO: Hindi! ipatong mo'ko sa LOLA mo ...
HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: MAY REKLAMO KB SA DOKTOR NMIN ?
BABAE: OPO. BIGLA KCNG PINASOK ANG DALIRI NIA SA ARI KO E !
DIRECTOR: TLAGANG GANUN PAG EXAMINE.
BABAE: DBA DAPAT DILAAN MUNA ?
Mam: Inday, ipaghanda mo si Sir mo ng paborito niyang pagkain.
Inday: Mam, naghugas na po ako !!!
Caloi : Tay, bakit yung "bird" ng classmate ko parang champoy . . ?!?!
Tatay : Hahahaha, bakit, maliit ba?
Caloi : Hindi tay eh . . . maalat eh !!!
Atty : OK lang ba? Medyo maliit lang itong sa akin eh
GRO : Sus ginoo Sir, marami na akong nakitang ganyan kaliit !!!
Atty : Talaga ?!?!
GRO : Oo Sir !!! Yaya kasi ako dati eh !!!
HARI: ano gusto mong parusa sa kasalanan mo? ipakain sa leOn O pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet?
PEDRO: mas gugustuhin ko pang pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet !
HARI: mga kawal, ilabas c JOLLIBEE !
A guy stops to visit his friend, who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, “My feet are cold. Would you get my sneakers for me?”
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend’s two gorgeous daughters. He says, “Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you.”
The first daughter says, “That’s not true.”
He says, “I’ll prove it.”
He yells down the stairs, “Both of them?”
His friend yells back, “Of course, both of them.”
NUN: mother! I was raped. What shall I do?
Mother SUPERIOR: here, take this calamansi.
NUN: will this ease the pain?
Mother SUPERIOR: sipsipin mo! Nang mawala ngiti sa mukha mo, g**a!
GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang t**an*ad*!
PATIENT : Doc, ayos yung wonder drug na nireseta mo ah!! Nakaka apat na round na ako sa sex ngayon !!!
DOCTOR : Ano naman ang sabi ng Mrs. mo?
PATIENT : Wala pa !!! Hindi pa ako umuuwi eh !!!
GIRL:mag-69 tayo dear !
BOY:pano yun?
GIRL:ganito lang...
(pmwesto n cla at bglang nautot ang girl ng 4 times):
BOY:ayoko na!DI KO N KYA UNG NATITIRANG 65
Two nurses on duty...
Nurse 1: Hoy! Gaga, bakit may thermometer sa tenga mo!
Nurse 2: Ha? susmaryosep! kaninong pwet ko kaya naiwan yung ballpen ko!!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
VERY Brave man jokes
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it !
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
How do you piss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested
Marry it !
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
How do you piss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN AND A MAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , halfdiscovered, half wild, naturally beautiful withfertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , welldeveloped and open to trade, especially for someonewith cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot,relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gentlyaging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lostsome wars, won some great battles but haunted by pastmistakes, still ve ry strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wideand borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet ... Off the beaten path,with a mysterious past and the wisdom of theages...still desirable but only those with anadventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritualknowledge and true love dare visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran, ruled by a Dict....
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , welldeveloped and open to trade, especially for someonewith cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot,relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gentlyaging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lostsome wars, won some great battles but haunted by pastmistakes, still ve ry strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wideand borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet ... Off the beaten path,with a mysterious past and the wisdom of theages...still desirable but only those with anadventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritualknowledge and true love dare visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran, ruled by a Dict....
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Joke time na itech!
SA BAKERY.
Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
Ale: Aba, sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto pandesal!
Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?
============
Honeymoon:
BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Diba dati may alaga kang ahas?
BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!
============
Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin mlakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino b talaga ang anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!
============
Magsyota naglalakad sa park:
GF: Hon, ihi muna ako
BF: Dyan ka nalang sa damuhan...
Habang umiihi, kinapkap ni BF ang legs ni GF nang may mahawakan syang mahaba sa gitna nito...
BF: Anak ng?! Bading ka ba o nagpalit na ng kasarian??
GF: Sira! Nagpalit lang ako ng desisyon. Tumatae na ako.
============
BF : May ibibigay akong gift sayo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman...
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
GF: Kwintas?
BF: Hindi... PANGHILOD! SMILE!!!
============
(Sa loob ng Mall)
GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since...
============
FROG: what does my future hold?
FAIRY: you'll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.
FROG: great! Will I meet her in a party?
FAIRY: no. in biology class
============
BOB: nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?
PULUBI: nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am. Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.
BOB: hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?
PULUBI: pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!
============
eto ang banat na malupet.
GUY: miss, pinaglihi ka ba sa inidoro?
GIRL: bakit?
GUY: kasi ako pinaglihi sa tae. Nung nakita kita, di ko mapigilang mahulog!
============
pen pen de chorvaloo de kemerloo de eklavoo, hao hao de chenelyn de big yuten. Sifit dapat iipit, goldness filak chumuchorva sa tabi ng chenes! Shoyang ang fula, talong na fula, shoyang ang fute, talong na mafute, chuk chak chenes namo ek ek.
-yan na naman ang mga batang bading! Ayaw paawat!
============
imagine if all straight guys are talking in gay lingo.
STUDENT: bakit di mo chinuva yung girlalu? Malaki naman ang susey ng lola mo ah.
HUNK: Winnie cordero nga dude sa susey, Melanie marquez naman sa brainwaves. Wit na.
============
Jaworski while coaching: keber sa kalaban! Just focus! We cannot afford to luz valdez ! Getlakin niyo yung last freethrow! Windangin yung mga julaban! Ok! Go for the gold to the highest level mga chorva! Gow lang! gow lang ng gow!
============
TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: eeewwww!
============
magsyota sa motel.
BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!
============
STUDENT: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
TEACHER: natural hindi.
STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!
============
PARI: halika sa sulok
MADRE: bakit po?
PARI: sara mo pinto.
MADRE: wag po!
PARI: patayin mo ilaw!
MADRE: diyos ko po!
PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!
============
why was white chocolate invented? So little black kids could have dirty faces too! ============
isang araw sa may tindahan.
PULUBI: palimos po.
TINDERO: wala po, patawad.
PULUBI: sige na po, kahit magkano.
TINDERO: sya sige! Eto, dos.
PULUBI: salamat po ng marami. Isang Malboro nga po, yung menthol.
============
TITSER: bat ka na-late?
EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.
============
sa kasalan
PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father. Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.
============
sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!
============
a thirsty city girl went to a barrio
GIRL: where galling your water manong?
MATANDA: sa ilog ineng.
GIRL: ha? You drink that water manong?
MATANDA: duhhh! Why, sa syudad ba chine-chew?
============ =
DEATH of MR.BEAN'S MOTHER
Mr Bean: (crying) the doctor just called up, my mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(after 2 minutes, Mr. Bean cries even louder.)
Friend: what now, Mr. Bean?
Mr Bean: my sister just called. Her mom died too.
============ =
NOEL: ipapangalan ko sa aking anak " LEON " baliktad ng Noel.
NINO: sa akin ONIN baliktad ng NINO.
TOTO: wag niyo akong maisali-sali dyan sa usapan niyo!
============ =
Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
============ =
JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.
HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.
LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo.
MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.
JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.
PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.
GMA: 1/2 ... only.
============
MR: hon promise simula ngayon, iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko.
MRS: wow. Thank you love. Ako naman, I promise, ang susunod nating anak, ikaw na ang ama. Promise talaga.
============
NUN: mother! I was raped. What shall I do?
Mother SUPERIOR: here, take this calamansi.
NUN: will this ease the pain?
Mother SUPERIOR: sipsipin mo! Nang mawala ngiti sa mukha mo, gaga!
============ ==
SA OSPITAL.....
WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.
============ ==
ATE: pabili ng pilis.
TINDERA: ano po?
A: pilis po!
T: ha? Dilis?
A: pilis po.
T: ano? Philip?
A: pilis nga! Yung nudols.
============
sa sabungan, walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong. Si Juan para makalibre pumasok may dalang inahin.
BANTAY: [sinita si Juan] ano yan?
JUAN: [galit pa!] manok!
BANTAY: alam ko, eh bakit inahin?
JUAN: may laban ang mister niya, siyempre moral support bobo!
============
GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!
============
INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi?
ANAK: 'you only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos nay mukhang matapobre.
============
nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!
============
ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
NANAY: bakit?
ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!
============
thought to ponder: hindi kaya ang dahilan ng pagbaha sa panahon ni Noah ay pinutol niya lahat ng puno para gumawa ng napaka laking arko? ano sa tingin mo?
============
HISTORY 101: JUDAS: anong gimik yang hinuhugasan ni Magda ang paa ni Bossing?
PETER: wag kang makialam, darating ang araw at tatawagin yang FOOT SPA.
============
PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.
============
paramihan ng anak.
HAPONESA: pumasok, bitbit 10 anak. (palakpakan)
AMERIKANA: pumasok, bitbit 20 anak. (palakpakan)
PINAY: pumasok, sigawan ang audience! "GO NAY!!"
============
may nakakita sakin sa dalampasigan. malungkot at nagiisa.
sabi niya, 'kung mahal mo siya, bakit di mo ipadama?'
sumagot ako, 'mahal ka diyan?!!! naiwan ako sa outing tanga.'
============
kung totoo ang ' Darwin 's theory of evolution' na ang tao ay nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?
============
DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan. PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.
============
ERAP SA PIZZA HUT WAITER: sir, do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 slices or 8 slices? ERAP: into four na lang, masyadong marami yung eight. di ko mauubos.
============
SALESGIRL: sir, you can't smoke here.
CUSTOMER: but I bought these cigars from your store.
SALESGIRL: we also sell condoms, but it doesn't mean you can f*ck here.
============
AMO: inday, kunin mo nga yung VOGUE magazine!
INDAY: mam, vogyu hindi vog.
AMO: inday, vog ang tamang pagbigkas.
INDAY: o sige na nga mam VOG na, there's no need to ARG.
============
pano sasabihin sa isang girl na maitim ang kili-kili niya without hurting his feelings? "ganda ng deodorant mo ha, kiwi?"
============
what's worse than finding a worm in the apple you are eating? pag nakita mong kalahati na lang ang worm.
============
Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago!
============
Overheard from a girl na galit sa kararating na boyfriend sa starbucks:
GIRL: my God, you're so late. Where did you . . . where have you. . . where do you. . . san ka ba galing?
============
ang tawag sa gumagawa ng tubo, tubero. Ang tawag sa kumukuha ng basura, basurero. Ang tawag sa mahilig sa gimik, gimikero. Sa maraming babae, babaero. Ang tawag sa nakaupo sa kanto.? Tambay pare, tambay!
Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
Ale: Aba, sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto pandesal!
Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?
============
Honeymoon:
BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Diba dati may alaga kang ahas?
BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!
============
Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin mlakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino b talaga ang anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!
============
Magsyota naglalakad sa park:
GF: Hon, ihi muna ako
BF: Dyan ka nalang sa damuhan...
Habang umiihi, kinapkap ni BF ang legs ni GF nang may mahawakan syang mahaba sa gitna nito...
BF: Anak ng?! Bading ka ba o nagpalit na ng kasarian??
GF: Sira! Nagpalit lang ako ng desisyon. Tumatae na ako.
============
BF : May ibibigay akong gift sayo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman...
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
GF: Kwintas?
BF: Hindi... PANGHILOD! SMILE!!!
============
(Sa loob ng Mall)
GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since...
============
FROG: what does my future hold?
FAIRY: you'll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.
FROG: great! Will I meet her in a party?
FAIRY: no. in biology class
============
BOB: nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?
PULUBI: nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am. Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.
BOB: hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?
PULUBI: pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!
============
eto ang banat na malupet.
GUY: miss, pinaglihi ka ba sa inidoro?
GIRL: bakit?
GUY: kasi ako pinaglihi sa tae. Nung nakita kita, di ko mapigilang mahulog!
============
pen pen de chorvaloo de kemerloo de eklavoo, hao hao de chenelyn de big yuten. Sifit dapat iipit, goldness filak chumuchorva sa tabi ng chenes! Shoyang ang fula, talong na fula, shoyang ang fute, talong na mafute, chuk chak chenes namo ek ek.
-yan na naman ang mga batang bading! Ayaw paawat!
============
imagine if all straight guys are talking in gay lingo.
STUDENT: bakit di mo chinuva yung girlalu? Malaki naman ang susey ng lola mo ah.
HUNK: Winnie cordero nga dude sa susey, Melanie marquez naman sa brainwaves. Wit na.
============
Jaworski while coaching: keber sa kalaban! Just focus! We cannot afford to luz valdez ! Getlakin niyo yung last freethrow! Windangin yung mga julaban! Ok! Go for the gold to the highest level mga chorva! Gow lang! gow lang ng gow!
============
TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: eeewwww!
============
magsyota sa motel.
BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!
============
STUDENT: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
TEACHER: natural hindi.
STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!
============
PARI: halika sa sulok
MADRE: bakit po?
PARI: sara mo pinto.
MADRE: wag po!
PARI: patayin mo ilaw!
MADRE: diyos ko po!
PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!
============
why was white chocolate invented? So little black kids could have dirty faces too! ============
isang araw sa may tindahan.
PULUBI: palimos po.
TINDERO: wala po, patawad.
PULUBI: sige na po, kahit magkano.
TINDERO: sya sige! Eto, dos.
PULUBI: salamat po ng marami. Isang Malboro nga po, yung menthol.
============
TITSER: bat ka na-late?
EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.
============
sa kasalan
PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father. Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.
============
sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!
============
a thirsty city girl went to a barrio
GIRL: where galling your water manong?
MATANDA: sa ilog ineng.
GIRL: ha? You drink that water manong?
MATANDA: duhhh! Why, sa syudad ba chine-chew?
============ =
DEATH of MR.BEAN'S MOTHER
Mr Bean: (crying) the doctor just called up, my mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(after 2 minutes, Mr. Bean cries even louder.)
Friend: what now, Mr. Bean?
Mr Bean: my sister just called. Her mom died too.
============ =
NOEL: ipapangalan ko sa aking anak " LEON " baliktad ng Noel.
NINO: sa akin ONIN baliktad ng NINO.
TOTO: wag niyo akong maisali-sali dyan sa usapan niyo!
============ =
Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
============ =
JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.
HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.
LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo.
MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.
JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.
PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.
GMA: 1/2 ... only.
============
MR: hon promise simula ngayon, iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko.
MRS: wow. Thank you love. Ako naman, I promise, ang susunod nating anak, ikaw na ang ama. Promise talaga.
============
NUN: mother! I was raped. What shall I do?
Mother SUPERIOR: here, take this calamansi.
NUN: will this ease the pain?
Mother SUPERIOR: sipsipin mo! Nang mawala ngiti sa mukha mo, gaga!
============ ==
SA OSPITAL.....
WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.
============ ==
ATE: pabili ng pilis.
TINDERA: ano po?
A: pilis po!
T: ha? Dilis?
A: pilis po.
T: ano? Philip?
A: pilis nga! Yung nudols.
============
sa sabungan, walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong. Si Juan para makalibre pumasok may dalang inahin.
BANTAY: [sinita si Juan] ano yan?
JUAN: [galit pa!] manok!
BANTAY: alam ko, eh bakit inahin?
JUAN: may laban ang mister niya, siyempre moral support bobo!
============
GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!
============
INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi?
ANAK: 'you only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos nay mukhang matapobre.
============
nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!
============
ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
NANAY: bakit?
ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!
============
thought to ponder: hindi kaya ang dahilan ng pagbaha sa panahon ni Noah ay pinutol niya lahat ng puno para gumawa ng napaka laking arko? ano sa tingin mo?
============
HISTORY 101: JUDAS: anong gimik yang hinuhugasan ni Magda ang paa ni Bossing?
PETER: wag kang makialam, darating ang araw at tatawagin yang FOOT SPA.
============
PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.
============
paramihan ng anak.
HAPONESA: pumasok, bitbit 10 anak. (palakpakan)
AMERIKANA: pumasok, bitbit 20 anak. (palakpakan)
PINAY: pumasok, sigawan ang audience! "GO NAY!!"
============
may nakakita sakin sa dalampasigan. malungkot at nagiisa.
sabi niya, 'kung mahal mo siya, bakit di mo ipadama?'
sumagot ako, 'mahal ka diyan?!!! naiwan ako sa outing tanga.'
============
kung totoo ang ' Darwin 's theory of evolution' na ang tao ay nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?
============
DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan. PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.
============
ERAP SA PIZZA HUT WAITER: sir, do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 slices or 8 slices? ERAP: into four na lang, masyadong marami yung eight. di ko mauubos.
============
SALESGIRL: sir, you can't smoke here.
CUSTOMER: but I bought these cigars from your store.
SALESGIRL: we also sell condoms, but it doesn't mean you can f*ck here.
============
AMO: inday, kunin mo nga yung VOGUE magazine!
INDAY: mam, vogyu hindi vog.
AMO: inday, vog ang tamang pagbigkas.
INDAY: o sige na nga mam VOG na, there's no need to ARG.
============
pano sasabihin sa isang girl na maitim ang kili-kili niya without hurting his feelings? "ganda ng deodorant mo ha, kiwi?"
============
what's worse than finding a worm in the apple you are eating? pag nakita mong kalahati na lang ang worm.
============
Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago!
============
Overheard from a girl na galit sa kararating na boyfriend sa starbucks:
GIRL: my God, you're so late. Where did you . . . where have you. . . where do you. . . san ka ba galing?
============
ang tawag sa gumagawa ng tubo, tubero. Ang tawag sa kumukuha ng basura, basurero. Ang tawag sa mahilig sa gimik, gimikero. Sa maraming babae, babaero. Ang tawag sa nakaupo sa kanto.? Tambay pare, tambay!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Joke time again!!
NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?
=========
things you don't want to hear during your own surgery:
-san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?
-10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!
-doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
-kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
-sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!
=========
inspiring quote of the day:
"hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko."
=========
BOY: I know we are also like matter, we can't occupy the same space at the same time. Kaya aalis na lang ako.
GIRL: bakit ganun para tayong mga parallel lines, why can't we meet at the same point?
BOY: your verbs and actions are not correct that's why all of the subjects are affected.
GIRL: ayoko na. you've reached my boiling point. And now my heart is getting to its freezing point!
=========
'dear te, dear te, dear te!!!'
-sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal.
=========
MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?
MR: uhm.. both..MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you're pretty ugly.
=========
TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PEDRO: ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
TEACHER: okay Pedro, what is science?
PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.
=========
AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
=========
BOB: nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?
PULUBI: nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am. Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.
BOB: hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?
PULUBI: pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!
=========
DOC: umubo ka!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: okay.
PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka.
==========
TRIVIA: do you know how they make rubber gloves in China ?
Workers deep their hands into melted latex, then air-dry them.
Now guess how they make condoms?
==========
Why God invented menopause:
Once upon a time, a 70 year old woman gave birth.
==========
BISITA: pwedeng makita ang baby mo?
MOM: mamaya na.
30 minutes after.
BISITA: pwede na bang makita?
MOM: oo, pero hintay muna tayo na umiyak kasi nakalimutan ko kung saan ko linagay.
===========
in a miss gay pageant:
HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic crisis?BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!
===========
Sexy girl sumangguni sa mayor:
MAYOR: iha, ano ang maipaglilingkod ko sa iyo?
SEXY: mayor, pag nakakarinig po ako ng lalaking nagmumura di ko mapigilan sarili ko na yayain siya magsex!
MAYOR: 'tang ina! Di nga?
===========
TEACHER: ano ang pambansang ibon?
BOY: chicken?
TEACHER: hindi! kulay brown ito!
BOY: fried chicken!
TEACHER: hindi! mas maliit ito sa chicken.
BOY: knorr chicken cubes!
TEACHER: get out!
===========
when your lips are silent and your eyes are closed and your ears are deaf.
It only means one thing.
May discount ka sa jeep.
Disabled ka 'tol, disabled!
===========
The Philippine presidents flying in a plane.
GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make at least 1 Filipino happy?
CORY: but my dear, why don't you throw 2 checks for half a million each and thus make 2 Filipinos happy?
RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and make four Filipinos happy?
And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out:"but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window and make all the Filipinos happy?"
============
a great example of globalization:
princess Diana, a Welsh princess with an Egyptian fiancé, crashed in a French tunnel while riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, chased by Italian paparazzis on Japanese big bikes. An American doctor tried to save them using Brazilian meds. This message was made by a Filipino on a Finnish Nokia phone smuggled from China by a Pakistani based in Quiapo.
============
1. Trulalu.
2. eklavu
3. eklavu.
4. trulalu
5. eklavu
6. trulalu
7. trulalu.
8. eklavu
9. trulalu
10. trulalu
-batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz.
============
MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?
MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po!
============
kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang SCAM!
GMA: hallow gracia!
GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva eke k.
GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na chorva na!
GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman watashi?!
GARCI: anufi ate.
GMA: oshah ba.
============
Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.
Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!
============
BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator daw.
DAD: ha? aba'y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba'y di pa ba nila nakikita?
============
Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede?
"uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!.... ......
============
BOY1: nkakakaawa naman lola mo.
BOY2: bakit?
BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo. Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
BOY2: papansin lang yun!
BOY1: bakit?
BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya!
============
a boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!
============
TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: eeewwww!
============
BOY: is this your first time?
GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!
============
magsyota sa motel.
BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!
============
STUDENT: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
TEACHER: natural hindi.
STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!
============
PARI: halika sa sulok
MADRE: bakit po?
PARI: sara mo pinto.
MADRE: wag po!
PARI: patayin mo ilaw!
MADRE: diyos ko po!
PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!
============
why was white chocolate invented?
So little black kids could have dirty faces too!
============
isang araw sa may tindahan.
PULUBI: palimos po.
TINDERO: wala po, patawad.
PULUBI: sige na po, kahit magkano.
TINDERO: sya sige! Eto, dos.
PULUBI: salamat po ng marami. Isang Malboro nga po, yung menthol.
============
TITSER: bat ka na-late?
EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.
============
sa kasalan
PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father.Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.
============
sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!
============
a thirsty city girl went to a barrio
GIRL: where galling your water manong?
MATANDA: sa ilog ineng.
GIRL: ha? You drink that water manong?
MATANDA: duhhh! Why, sa syudad ba chine-chew?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?
=========
things you don't want to hear during your own surgery:
-san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?
-10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!
-doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
-kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
-sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!
=========
inspiring quote of the day:
"hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko."
=========
BOY: I know we are also like matter, we can't occupy the same space at the same time. Kaya aalis na lang ako.
GIRL: bakit ganun para tayong mga parallel lines, why can't we meet at the same point?
BOY: your verbs and actions are not correct that's why all of the subjects are affected.
GIRL: ayoko na. you've reached my boiling point. And now my heart is getting to its freezing point!
=========
'dear te, dear te, dear te!!!'
-sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal.
=========
MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?
MR: uhm.. both..MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you're pretty ugly.
=========
TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PEDRO: ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
TEACHER: okay Pedro, what is science?
PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.
=========
AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
=========
BOB: nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?
PULUBI: nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am. Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.
BOB: hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?
PULUBI: pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!
=========
DOC: umubo ka!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: okay.
PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka.
==========
TRIVIA: do you know how they make rubber gloves in China ?
Workers deep their hands into melted latex, then air-dry them.
Now guess how they make condoms?
==========
Why God invented menopause:
Once upon a time, a 70 year old woman gave birth.
==========
BISITA: pwedeng makita ang baby mo?
MOM: mamaya na.
30 minutes after.
BISITA: pwede na bang makita?
MOM: oo, pero hintay muna tayo na umiyak kasi nakalimutan ko kung saan ko linagay.
===========
in a miss gay pageant:
HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic crisis?BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!
===========
Sexy girl sumangguni sa mayor:
MAYOR: iha, ano ang maipaglilingkod ko sa iyo?
SEXY: mayor, pag nakakarinig po ako ng lalaking nagmumura di ko mapigilan sarili ko na yayain siya magsex!
MAYOR: 'tang ina! Di nga?
===========
TEACHER: ano ang pambansang ibon?
BOY: chicken?
TEACHER: hindi! kulay brown ito!
BOY: fried chicken!
TEACHER: hindi! mas maliit ito sa chicken.
BOY: knorr chicken cubes!
TEACHER: get out!
===========
when your lips are silent and your eyes are closed and your ears are deaf.
It only means one thing.
May discount ka sa jeep.
Disabled ka 'tol, disabled!
===========
The Philippine presidents flying in a plane.
GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make at least 1 Filipino happy?
CORY: but my dear, why don't you throw 2 checks for half a million each and thus make 2 Filipinos happy?
RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and make four Filipinos happy?
And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out:"but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window and make all the Filipinos happy?"
============
a great example of globalization:
princess Diana, a Welsh princess with an Egyptian fiancé, crashed in a French tunnel while riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, chased by Italian paparazzis on Japanese big bikes. An American doctor tried to save them using Brazilian meds. This message was made by a Filipino on a Finnish Nokia phone smuggled from China by a Pakistani based in Quiapo.
============
1. Trulalu.
2. eklavu
3. eklavu.
4. trulalu
5. eklavu
6. trulalu
7. trulalu.
8. eklavu
9. trulalu
10. trulalu
-batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz.
============
MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?
MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po!
============
kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang SCAM!
GMA: hallow gracia!
GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva eke k.
GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na chorva na!
GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman watashi?!
GARCI: anufi ate.
GMA: oshah ba.
============
Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.
Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!
============
BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator daw.
DAD: ha? aba'y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba'y di pa ba nila nakikita?
============
Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede?
"uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!.... ......
============
BOY1: nkakakaawa naman lola mo.
BOY2: bakit?
BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo. Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
BOY2: papansin lang yun!
BOY1: bakit?
BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya!
============
a boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!
============
TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: eeewwww!
============
BOY: is this your first time?
GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!
============
magsyota sa motel.
BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!
============
STUDENT: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
TEACHER: natural hindi.
STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!
============
PARI: halika sa sulok
MADRE: bakit po?
PARI: sara mo pinto.
MADRE: wag po!
PARI: patayin mo ilaw!
MADRE: diyos ko po!
PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!
============
why was white chocolate invented?
So little black kids could have dirty faces too!
============
isang araw sa may tindahan.
PULUBI: palimos po.
TINDERO: wala po, patawad.
PULUBI: sige na po, kahit magkano.
TINDERO: sya sige! Eto, dos.
PULUBI: salamat po ng marami. Isang Malboro nga po, yung menthol.
============
TITSER: bat ka na-late?
EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.
============
sa kasalan
PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father.Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.
============
sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!
============
a thirsty city girl went to a barrio
GIRL: where galling your water manong?
MATANDA: sa ilog ineng.
GIRL: ha? You drink that water manong?
MATANDA: duhhh! Why, sa syudad ba chine-chew?
Friday, December 14, 2007
JOKE TIME!!!
Funny stuff only found in the good old Philippines. ..
>>* Nakasulat sa pader:
>"MARUNONG KA BANG TUMAHOL? ASO LANG ANG UMIIHI DITO!"
>>* along a highway in Pampanga:
>"WE MAKE MODERN ANTIQUE FURNITURE"
>>* in a Baguio grocery:
>"FRESH FROZEN CHICKEN SOLD HERE"
>>* in Cubao:
>"NONE ID NOTHING ENTRY"
>>* on a parking lot:
>"TAXI AND OUTSIDE CAR NOT ALLOWED"
>>* along Luneta Boulevard:
>"BAWAL TUMAE SA BULEVARD"
>>* on Jeepney and Bus signs:
>"BEFORE PAY, TELL WHERE GET THE ON BEFORE GET THE OFF"
>>* on a Flower shop in Rizal Avenue:
>"WE SELL ARTIFICIAL FRESH FLOWERS"
>>* on a delivery truck:
>"NOT FOR HERE"
>>* on window of a restaurant in Baguio:
>"WANTED: BOY WAITRESS"
>>* A grafitti inside the cubicle of a ladies' C.R. in a university:
>"PLEASE DON'T SIT LIKE A FROG, SIT LIKE A QUEEN."
>>* At a men's comfort room, above a urinal:
>"HAWAK MO ANG KINABUKASAN NG BAYAN"
>>* at a construction site in Mandaluyong:
>"BAWAL OMEHI DITO. ANG MAHOLI BOG-BOG"
>>* somewhere along San Andres:
>"NO URINATING, ON THE OVER WALLS"
>>* vacant lot near makati ave.:
>"DON'T PARKING"
>>* at an eatery in Cebu:
>"WE HAB SOPDRINK IN CAN AND IN BATOL!
>>and this is the best of them all!!
>* on a building somewhere in the Philippines. ..
>"NOTARY PUBLIC TUMATANGGAP DIN NG LABADA KUNG LINGGO"
>>* Nakasulat sa pader:
>"MARUNONG KA BANG TUMAHOL? ASO LANG ANG UMIIHI DITO!"
>>* along a highway in Pampanga:
>"WE MAKE MODERN ANTIQUE FURNITURE"
>>* in a Baguio grocery:
>"FRESH FROZEN CHICKEN SOLD HERE"
>>* in Cubao:
>"NONE ID NOTHING ENTRY"
>>* on a parking lot:
>"TAXI AND OUTSIDE CAR NOT ALLOWED"
>>* along Luneta Boulevard:
>"BAWAL TUMAE SA BULEVARD"
>>* on Jeepney and Bus signs:
>"BEFORE PAY, TELL WHERE GET THE ON BEFORE GET THE OFF"
>>* on a Flower shop in Rizal Avenue:
>"WE SELL ARTIFICIAL FRESH FLOWERS"
>>* on a delivery truck:
>"NOT FOR HERE"
>>* on window of a restaurant in Baguio:
>"WANTED: BOY WAITRESS"
>>* A grafitti inside the cubicle of a ladies' C.R. in a university:
>"PLEASE DON'T SIT LIKE A FROG, SIT LIKE A QUEEN."
>>* At a men's comfort room, above a urinal:
>"HAWAK MO ANG KINABUKASAN NG BAYAN"
>>* at a construction site in Mandaluyong:
>"BAWAL OMEHI DITO. ANG MAHOLI BOG-BOG"
>>* somewhere along San Andres:
>"NO URINATING, ON THE OVER WALLS"
>>* vacant lot near makati ave.:
>"DON'T PARKING"
>>* at an eatery in Cebu:
>"WE HAB SOPDRINK IN CAN AND IN BATOL!
>>and this is the best of them all!!
>* on a building somewhere in the Philippines. ..
>"NOTARY PUBLIC TUMATANGGAP DIN NG LABADA KUNG LINGGO"
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