FEWER OR MORE

I’m feeling so sad today upon knowing that my favorite niece got zero in her test.

The teacher is asking them to choose between fewer or more. Obviously, she identified all "few" as "more."

She was crying while telling me the story. I could feel how much she wants to get a perfect score. I know she used her mind to decide which is which.

Right then, I asked my mother to talk to the teacher and ask if they offer tutorials or Saturday classes. To know that she only gets low scores in her English subjects, I could imagine how much she wants to be the best which I hope I can help her to be one, no less and even more.

Someday when I’m old and gray, I’ll remember how she struggled to be the best. I remembered how I tried to excel but I didn’t cry, I just kept on trying.

Someday I can compare what I’ve been and what she will be but for now, I can say I’ll be with her always.

MY 3RD DELL ELITE AWARD AND MY NEW DELL COMPUTER

As of this writing, it’s final; I’ll be receiving my Dell Elite Award.

A few days after I lost my phone at work, I received an Instant message from my previous teammate. He’s congratulating me on my 3rd Dell Elite Award. It seems like I’m having my own place in the world. Huh!

I got so much to be thankful for despite the loss of my treasured phone.

My new Dell computer, which I won from a company-outing raffle, is making my life better these days. Aside from the fact that it makes me become a better Dell tech support agent, it makes me finish some things I love to do which is writing.

My new teammates ask me what I do alone in my pad. I just tell them, watching movie-marathon but what they don’t know is that I may be alone these days and with few people, I talk to but I do what I do best. I’m trying to do my best at work and trying to do the best my computer could work with me.

Thanks for this beautiful job that’s slowly building up what I truly want in life.

Thanks for the one who pushed me to go on with my work when I was just starting up. I still believe in loving you.

Thanks for my ever best lola (grandma) who lifted me up in my trying times. I’m sharing you all this fame and fortune with our family, your family here on earth that I promised to take care of. With you, I know I can never go wrong.

SOMEONE WHO BELIEVES IN ME

For the nth time, I’m advised to undergo another heart check-up. I’m getting used to going back and forth to the hospital waiting for a doctor’s prognosis that I’m no longer capable of working. But what these people don’t understand is the pressure they put in my heart for every check-up and for every waiting result and for every change of medicine prescribed. My last doctor-visit had no further advice; the doctor just said you have an enlarged left ventricle. Let’s change the medicine. And I humbly obliged.

Before this, my manager, assigned me to undergo another Customer Experience coaching sessions which I just had a few months ago. It seems like I’m not learning my lessons. He said I’m so laid-back, not enthusiastic and very soft-spoken which will lead to bad customer experience. I don’t agree with that because seldom do my customers request for escalation and customers even agree that resolution to his/her problem is purchasing another product.

Up to this moment, I’m trying to make myself believe the positive side of it all. I don’t know if I think right when I say that every news anchor should be like Mike Enriquez.

But I have to deal with it. My heart has to. I really can’t remember the time I had a smile in my heart. And I’m inclined to conclude that these things make my heart grow big.

Someone was there before pushing me to dream big and go further. But I was broken into pieces and my dreams fell apart. I dreamt of a life together that soon I found it’s only me who’s dreaming. My mind is filled with times we shared. I know I was also loved so much but never had the one who believes in me.

SHOOTING STAR

Just when I thought I had my fill then I saw a shooting star from the sky to my direction, I was glad it’s coming by.

Echoes of my heart are re-sounding silently in gladness and surprised that I’m going to see you, you’re real and I’m feeling.

Remembering my smile from one place to another, just a thought is enough and it even makes me wonder.

Overjoyed by the fancy feeling that you’ll be forever, sooner or later we’ll meet again even before the night is over.

Memento in my heart embarked will never be too far and thereafter just asking why is enough to go on living.

Ending this with you gone, too fast, too swift, take care of my shooting star that I can only think of today and someday another one will be captured and will be missed by the moment shared that I can never go back to where I used to be.

MY FIRST DELL ELITE AWARD & ETC (My Idea about Rewards & Recognition)

Soon as I found out of my first Dell Elite award, I informed my CE coach. He was just as happy but reminded me not to sit on my laurel. He said that I continue doing what’s right and take every opportunity along the way.

Then I informed my friends, they’re so proud of me.

Then I informed my family who was never surprised because they know how I work hard.

I failed to inform someone who absorbed all my worries and all my complaints during my first few months at work. I failed and intended not to do so because I no longer have the strength to say. Deepest in my heart, I’m glad you were there before and how I wished you’re always here.

Years and years before, my idea about success is finding in my heart to care for somebody else. I put it in action in every person I meet and in every person close to my heart. But I never had this feeling of emptiness after achieving something because I just keep working, nothing ever than work.

My best friend said I was given the award for my focus but I said no because it’s like working and working for nothing.

A few years ago, I was also nominated for my previous company’s annual award for best employee. I failed then, failed down to humiliation due to some supervisor’s grandstanding. Failure defined by the wrong time.

Before this nomination, I was also recognized by the other company I worked on abroad. Such an award is a description of sweet success. That time, everyone else is failing; I shine above the rest with the recognition. I never competed with anybody. I just worked as I usually do and they said I’m good.

After each reward and recognition, do I also reward myself? I wrote about what will make me happy, which is about a way of giving me the little luxury my money can afford.

I agree that getting an award is elevating you with expectations and you are to go further or do even more. That’s why I’m emphasizing my idea to go and succeed for something. Go and experience the true meaning of success for something or someone. As I would notice, each and every acceptance speech is never without, this is for you.

The following month I became one of the top agents for sales and another Elite award. Is this coincidence? Probably, it is God’s way of healing my very broken heart.

LOVING SO MUCH, OVERFLOWING IN TEARS (My Black Valentine’s Celebration)

I’m excited to know how my Valentine’s Day is going to end. Will I be receiving email or text message or will I just be letting myself be tired and have a goodnight's sleep?

A few days ago, I’ve been gathering thoughts about how I’m going to write something about Valentine’s. Just a year ago, I’m one of the myriad happy people anticipating Valentine’s. Now, I’m one of those asking why we have to celebrate the day.

For the past months of painstakingly suffering from a broken heart, all I do is make myself savor all the hurt.

A few weeks before Valentine’s, I had a heart problem again, the physical enlargement of the heart. So all I have to do is rest. It possibly had happened again because I never stopped working ‘til it hurts. I keep working because it’s my way of forgetting only to find out that when I need rest, I’ll think even more. On those rest days, I had time texting old friends.

I’d like to put into record these conversations with friends about relationships and Valentine’s.

One told me to let my feelings flow for someone else which like standing under the rain though it feels good will make me sick. Another one said I should learn to forget ‘cause I’m losing the time when I’m supposed to be happy with someone, sharing, holding and believing that it’s great to fall in love, my ever in-love and soon to be married friend assured. But one text message I’d always remember is the advice from a newly-married friend not to punish myself and enjoy the day, buy flowers and scatter the petals all over my place. The petals thing is a joke. That friend of mine has always integrated reality and half-meant something to laugh about. But the punish thing is true.

Months and months, still I punish myself for not enjoying the life and the love this world is offering.

I believe all these friends will agree that if I just move on if I just am happy about all the things, I will be fooling myself and will be fooling them too. My heart knows who I love and I can’t just fall in love again if everyone around me is. I lost someone I’m working so hard for. I lost the love that made me dream. I wish I knew how to quit.

Just hours before Valentine’s is over, I received an “I love you” message. It’s good to know someone cares and someone loves but I can’t sway my heart.

I’m going to sleep now; my heart is still wide awake longing for someone on my black Valentine’s Day.

LIFE LIVED LIKE A MOVIE

“Dream sequence”

Every movie has a dream sequence disclosed before it ends in the minds of the viewers.

They say that art has a life of its own and so does my writing. An introvert, enigmatic and observant like me plays around with reality and what have you.

If my life is a movie, I’d be the John Cusack of America’s Sweetheart who falls for Kiki who says, why not?

But my life is not a movie. I won’t say “Grow up” if John says “Grow up.” I can only say, I’ll never, ever, ever, ever, ever give you up the way he did in “Martian Child.”

Maybe I just got used to living a life in hell. I miss my hell that though I drown myself to work when my body needs rest, my heart finds a way to remind me that after all I only love someone so much in my life.

I’m on my way home when a friend texted me a good night. I replied no, I’m still working keeping myself busy, busy ‘til I won’t notice that Valentine’s over.

She said I have nothing to lose if I don’t have my Valentine.

I said I’d lose the smile in my heart.

She said it’s all in the mind.

I told her, it’s in my heart. How I wish there’s no Valentine’s to celebrate. Why is it that my heart keeps hurting though I’ve been hurt many times?

She said, move on.

I didn’t reply again.

I ask myself, can we be immune to pain? If I lost count of the hurts, broken hearts and failed relationships, will I be moving on from one relationship to another as if it’s the normal thing to do?

Absolutely not and may God forbid, not in my life.

If my life has a dream sequence and God knows the ending and the readers as the viewers, how’d you want my love story ending?

I can just move on and love again. I can just fill my mind with all the bad times when we’re still together. I can just fill my day with millions and tons of work but I can never heal my heart. My heart is strong but when inflicted with pain is irreversible.

I’ve loved so much that it overflows in tears.

Should I hold back my tears, should it freeze or run out?

Should we start again?

Should you know the ending?

Should you be the love I’m going to lose in eternity?

Should you realize to love me again... I’m here.

I never stopped believing that I’m going to love only one for real and I’m going to wake up that life indeed is a reality faced, not given up and never letting go.

Then you’ll know why my heart is strong for pain, why we celebrate valentines and why a life lived like a movie ends only the way you choose to follow the dream sequence.

I LOST MY PHONE AT WORK (losing something inside or outside the comfort zone?)

Gee! Of all the places, I lost my phone at work.

It never crossed my mind that I’ll be losing my phone at work. It was my second break when I noticed that something is missing in my pocket but I was so busy at work trying to reach my quota (taking as much call as I can) before the shift ends. On my last call, my teammates were about to leave when I asked one if she could call my number just to know where it is when it rings. Unfortunately, it’s already off, intentionally turned off.

My manager, upon knowing what happened, assured me that it will never be the people near me and I believe her because I can leave that phone in my cubicle and it’s still there when I come back. She sent an email to all that it must be returned. Our Area Manager even responded to that email asking securities assistance than when we met, she said that I shouldn’t worry, I will have more.

I started thinking of where I could have left it.

I can remember that I used it as an alarm when I went to sleep during my lunch break. I set it to alarm 15 minutes before so I could still have time to go to the restroom. I was still able to go to the restroom and chat with a friend then went out and greet an old friend and had a very frustrating call with a very irate customer. That could be the reason why I forgot where my phone is.

Maybe the moral lesson is not to argue with any customer to avoid memory gaps. Haha!

One question popped in my mind, which is worse, losing a phone inside or outside a comfort zone?

My manager, being a very God-fearing person that she is, shared a story of how she returned something without knowing where to return it. Then she realized later on that she’s even more worried than I am. I told her that I consider it a loss and it can not be undone and it's beyond my control now. I am even willing to put the cellphone box complete with its accessories in the sleep room so that the person who got the phone would have its accessories.

I know it’s worse to lose something outside your comfort zone, it’s even worse to lose it inside. Both losses are intentional in nature but it is the hope in getting it back that worsens the scenario.

Right after my shift, I went to the phone service provider so I could report the loss and have a sim-card replacement. In which I have to pay P302.++ to get the same phone number. Then I went to a local phone shop to purchase a new phone.

Two hours after, I have a new one – a Nokia phone with better music and resolution but not the same 3G-quality as the phone I had.

I went home with a new phone without any contact information. Then I started missing what I had on my lost phone. I had pictures there of all the places I’ve been to, from Tagaytay with old friends, to Zambales with new friends and the tree-planting activity at the Eco-park. I had pictures there of my loved ones, which I don’t know if they could still have another one. I have text messages which I always keep and songs I dig to find. I really don’t know if I could still find songs like Love always finds a reason and Love is my decision.

And now I could only wish that I backed them up on my computer.

This incident happened last June 12, 2008. On my rest day, I had the opportunity to watch “Polar Express”. The story is about the giving of the first gift of Santa on Christmas Eve. The boy lost it in the sleigh but Santa gave it back.

Someday, we’ll all be giving gifts in someone’s life. We will all be receiving gifts, you’ll realize how happy it is to have something back when you know it belongs to you.

I may not show how this affected the days of my life but if you have an LG KU250 phone, please check its serial number. If it’s MBEF0120701 (1.0) HM -0307061040297616, I just lost it but it’s mine. Hoping you could be my Santa.

(HP)FRANCESCA143 a.k.a.KIKAY

It’s been a while when I’ve written my composition. One very acceptable reason is my change of manager. Another could be that my old computer doesn’t work anymore. And I don’t have a pen these days.

I never had a day before without a pen and paper with me. I’ve been thru several places and I never forget to have those things in my bag. I don’t know but I just keep it, for whatever’s the reason, I still don’t know. Just recently, somebody was borrowing a pen from me but I don’t have it. Then I realized where are those pens I used to have. Where’s my life, that is.

Probably, these are some of the changes in my life that I just unintentionally forget because there will come a time that I’ll keep going back to something I truly love.

Just this time after a stormy frank-weather, I found myself enclosed in my unit. I got nothing to do, no tv special to watch, no music, no current, no business-work in Olongapo, no party to attend to, no gimmick to waste my time, no budget to splurge. Just recently, I used to spend time watching a movie while solving mind games on the computer and watching tv on the other side of my room. Feels like I’m not the real environmentalist I dream to be.

Just this time, I woke up from a dream that I was with the one I love. It’s like hehe nowadays, I think. I opened my eyes and see the gift, I received two years ago, the baby I call Kikay. Actually, her name is (HP)Francesca143. When I was thinking about what to write about, I thought about her.

Kikay is like a pen in my life. I left her at home, about 500-km away from me thinking that when I get home, I have her with me. And about 500-km away from her, I used to have someone who gave her to me. And now I’m just waking up in the mid of the night with a dream of the good-old-days. As Mr. Big had written and I quote: I know I screwed it up but I will love you forever.

I always will. I always will be.