MY 30TH BIRTHDAY WISH

My little sister who celebrated her 12th birthday a month ago texted me her birthday wishes. Young as she is, she never wished anything for herself. She doesn't even want to have a celebration. Maybe she understands how her kuya(older brother) has been struggling to make ends meet. She had three wishes: 1. that the lot we're selling be paid already, 2. That our Pajun (father) will win in the barangay elections and 3. that there would be peace on earth. You can check my phone, I saved her message.

Sad to say that one of her wishes did not come true, the other wish will still be a long and tedious process and the world peace, I doubt if there will ever be.

I can't remember if I had similar wish when I was twelve. Maybe none for all I care is to be independent and alone, thinking and writing. In a not-so-distant past, I can recall that I made a promise to myself that by 30 I'm gonna be rich and stable. But things did not go my way. And now, few days before my birthday, I'm looking back and I just had one question in mind: WHY?

Maybe I started dreaming late and maybe I never anticipated the hindrances to come along OR let's put it this way, it wasn't for me.

For the first time in my years of writing, I'm telling you here what is in my heart and the real me. I used to hide myself in any of the characters in my story. Now it's only me and what's running in my mind and what's beating in my heart.

First I wanted to see Martian Child because I wanted to learn to say to someone "there's nothing you can do to change the way I feel for you..." Cool and everlasting. How I wish I was the John Cusack with a Martian child and the John Cusack of Serendipity.

Second, I want Jed Madela's Christmas album. I just listened to his version of "Sana Ngayong Pasko." For no specific reason, my Christmas tree won't be complete without his songs. What would my life be without the songs of Jed Madela? I might have not survived on one of those lonely broken-hearted nights without it. (I have the cd now. His version of My Grown Up Christmas List with Regine Velasquez is superb and perfect, very pleasant to hear.)

Third, I gotta have new jeans and shirts and rubber shoes. Jeans and shirts I bought months ago would no longer fit. I spent my depressing time eating. And shoes, that's my happiness.

I want a new house where I won't shut off the door to anyone, where I could watch a movie or go online or go to the bathroom anytime I want to. A house where I could tell you to come but you're always welcome. I want a house where I could have a goodnight sleep.

I want to be pre-occupied with my new business. Diverting my attention to a more fruitful endeavor than the crazy little thing called love.

I want to be promoted to a psychology-related work. I'll study visual arts and culinary. For all I wanted to see is what's beautiful and healthy.

I want to be with friends who know the difference from cavorting to splurging. Funny and cheapskate.

I want hair growth, I won't worry anymore.

I want braces in shiny white teeth.

All of that and so much more.

All my wish dressed by one true love that's happy, directed and without the boundaries of a lifetime.

Never had I dreamed of having several relationships. Just one but that never materialized. That after loving so much, it ends in the word "goodbye and take care of yourself." Then I love again and give up, then love again and give in...until I don't see myself loving again. They come, they go. Sometimes I never noticed. Sometimes, I never knew why. I tell them just go as if they never existed, as if they never came into my life. There's one love though, mundane and magical, that remains in my heart. Perennial, I wouldn't know if we'll ever be together again.

How I wish I'm just twelve years old, no worries about love lost in great expectations. But I can dream just as my little sister had. And in reality, I can only be the best Kuya this world could ever have. Another year will pass and my little sister will soon be taller than me. And all that's remembered is my good legacy of love. Love misconstrued. Life ephemeral.