I can’t remember when my niece, Sen-sen gave me a plastic star that absorbs light. She explained that when it’s dark, I can use it to light up. True to her word, she does light me up in my dark days. The plastic star, I kept through the years, reminds me that there’s a little girl who will stand strong when her Tito can’t. I keep it in my happy box to light up my life.
When the time comes that I would have to choose between my dreams, her dreams, and my little sister’s dream, I’ll tell them to look at the sky at night and there we can see plenty of stars shining and we all can be at the same time in different places.
I gave myself a gift on my recent birthday, it’s a shirt that reads: fearless to share the good news. That will be my motto in the years to come. I’ll be fearless to stand for what’s right and I’ll be fearless to reach my star.
My friend Mishie share about the parable of seeds which basically means, use your talent, share it to others, let it grow for the goodness of the Lord. I keep in mind that nothing will go wrong if you’re taking the right path.
Days before Christmas, I was rushed to the ER due to my skyrocketed blood pressure. Whatever’s the cause I learned to forget but I keep one good lesson, I fear to live alone but I fear more celebrating Christmas alone in the hospital. I plead the doctor to let me leave but I need to sign a waiver. I plead him to let me eat out but I was given a biscuit instead.
I went back to work realizing the value of trust to persons we meet. However taxing each work maybe, exacting as it may seem, there are humanitarian reasons behind all efforts.
No matter how sad my day was, it was brightened by a few best friends who shine above me. Japoy, our creative director, stayed in my pad and gave me the reason that I still should be back before Christmas. Rhein, Janet, Mel, Marly for your thoughts that you’re my true friends who will be there when I need one. Fem and Humphrey who are just phone call away and will be there to spend their precious time with me. Rob who kept me alive with his funny stories and kept reminding me that there’s someone out there I should live for. I’m writing to you guys in my heart.
I completed nine anticipated masses in nine different churches before Christmas but I didn’t wish for anything. That was just my way of saying thank you Lord for my life and the people that surround me.
On the eve of Christmas, with Rob and Japoy, we went to Commonwealth for another client call. The client gave us Christmas tree-shaped chocolates. In my mind, that chocolate is for someone. Japoy, though he had to leave to celebrate Christmas with his family after the meeting suggested a church he stopped describing it upon knowing why I’m looking for another church. Past 6pm, Rob asked if we can just go to Makati to meet my best family-friend, I did not reply but he saw the sadness in my eyes that he immediately changed his mind and said; let’s go where your heart wants to go.
We found ourselves in Fairview looking for the Ascension Chruch in Lagro. That was too far, too long for a walk. It was a very long walk than waiting for a jeepney or bus or taxi. There are carolers almost along with us singing, “Sana Ngayong Pasko.” We all know what that song means, I’m not with you this Christmas. It’s a sign. Few more turn to the right and another right turn then there was the church only to find that they won’t have a mass until a few hours more. Rob and I settled for Jollibee. Rob with his beef and mushroom and I settled for rice and soup. Beside us is this brother-and-little- sister tandem who ordered chicken and burger meals but accidentally spilled their soda on the floor. I suggested that they transfer to the other side of us, they did. I wanted to order for them anew but I was shied. I gave the little sister my Christmas-tree shaped chocolate which she heart-fully said, “thank you po” and we said Merry Christmas. On our way out of the store, I told Rob that such may be the pattern for my Christmas. I’ll not find what I’m looking for.
Rob, on his part, texted his special friend which turned awry that it’s better to go than wait. He counted twelve more seconds then we left. Going to Makati, we saw another church. We stopped and attended the evening mass in Mary the Queen church. Past 9pm, we looked at how happy families can be when they’re together and here we are about to celebrate Christmas with a true friend.
On our way to Makati, Rob talked about the forgiveness he received and forgiveness he gave his former superior. That’s very unloading that he can now do more of his work and not worry about what anyone had to say. That’s Rob’s wonderful gift for Christmas. And my gift for Christmas, I’m still hoping for the forgiveness that my ex and I can give each other. The pain is no longer in my heart that when we meet I will just say thank you for the lessons I learned and for the unconditional love I was given.
We reached Makati and celebrated the hour before Christmas with my best friend Fem, her hubby who became another best friend, and their two children. It was a night full of happy stories and goals in life. A few minutes before Christmas, we’re in San Ildefonso church and fortunately meet the Vice-President Binay. We went out of the church without seeing fireworks in the sky. It’s not allowed in Makati. Like our separate love lives, there were no fireworks in our hearts too.
On Christmas Day, I almost forgot about going to church. Rob and I were in SM North. With the long wait for FX, we thought we’re waiting in line going to Don Antonio Commonwealth. When we’re about to pay, the driver said that we’re not where we are supposed to ride. I asked where his route is, he said it ends in a parish. I don’t know what that parish is but all knew is I need to go to church, that’s leading.
There were plenty of churchgoers standing outside the church but I want to come in. There were plenty of seats in-front, we occupied one. The priest was so bubbly that he calls the attention of those sleepy, we’re laughing but before the mass ends, the priest called those who are with their family to come closer to the altar. Those who are not with their family, he said he’s going to bless next time. Though we know it’s a joke, we did not come. We’re not sensitive, it’s actually fun and I said I wanted to come back sometime for some good reasons.
For the next few days, I kept myself busy working out. I call it magic to have met my trainer Ben, who knows how to make bp drop from 180 to 160. The secret is the heavy and swift routine. I can’t recall the combination but it’s worth coming back.
A day before New Year, I’m not decided on going home to my province. I just prepared my things to come what may. I’m undecided because the State of Calamity was declared there and I’m not sure if the flight will be canceled. Upon knowing that it won’t be, I rushed but the line was too long that I ended up going back to celebrate New Year’s Eve alone. I texted my friends then Rob without reply came knocking on my door.
We went back to the same church that we knew was called Olap, we saw the same priest who talked about his confidence in playing tennis similar to how some people stand on their faith in God. After mass, I have the same good feeling. I’ll come back on the first day of the next year. That is tomorrow. I promised.
It’s happy out there; people were busy outside the streets with their fireworks. I was in my pad chatting with some friends and wishing them a happy new year. Rob said yes to his love through text a few minutes before the year ends. That’s your wonderful New Year’s gift Rob. I was called to see something written on high street, Vic hearts ------. The ever-ready Rob took a picture of it and saved it. Rob is such a friend; he knew what makes me happy. He knew what makes me smile. It is written in my heart now.
2011, 1st year, 2nd decade, 3rd millennium. Another New Year’s Eve, another auld lang syne.
After sending and replying to all messages and chats, I slept and woke up to go back to the church I’m beginning to like. The church is true to what it’s named, ascension. I came on time, as I go up the front stairs, I can hear an eloquent voice echoing in my heart. This is what I was looking for all this time. I didn’t see you before the year-end. But I saw you, the first thing this year. Everything happened just in time, my destiny and my action rolled into one.
We went to Baclaran church after, I lighted three candles. I don’t know but I said that if any of these candles die before I leave, I may be too so I keep my hand covering the candles. But a lot of people are coming in so I have to let go and it did. I told Rob about it, he said that’s nothing. On our way back, I opened my phone to check my e-mails, I don’t know but I told Rob, whoever sends me this one email is the one I’m going to love for all my life. Rob asked, what-ifs….? I said whatever will be. I opened my inbox and to my surprise, it was you resounding silently in my heart with so much gladness. It will be you. I knew it.
What if we will be but I will die this year? I will still love you no matter what. I fear no more and I will never be, skeptic. It may not be the timing, it may be the person but it will always be you.
The star on my right is you, my guiding light, no questions asked.
