For the past weeks, all I do is read, memorize, familiarize and keep reading. I’m doing all these because I don’t want to fail an exam for a sort-of promotion. Despite my efforts, I’m looking for signs.I’m watching an afternoon show when I said if that contestant wins, I’d be winning too but that contestant fails. I also test myself as if I do this thing on this date, it’s a sign. But I always forget, I end up failing not to do what I must. These little signs made me think that I really can’t make it.
But my fighting spirit is high. I know, I’ve memorized a lot. I know I’ve learned a lot from my 5-day review and my other reviewers. I truly thank them – Derek, Jerome, Annabelle, and Lawrence.
My exam was rescheduled several times to accommodate other training at work. I don’t mind learning the other pieces of training; I’m focused on my review.
Hours before the test, I can’t sleep. I woke up early. But instead of doing nothing, I tried to review it for the last time to make sure I don’t forget anything. I’m watching TV while taking a bath when a gag show’s episode was all about “malas” – bad omens. After a bath, I changed the channel that’s showing the movie, D’ Lucky One. It’s a confusing sign.
On my way to work, I challenged myself. Without cheating, I said to myself that the first number that comes to my mind will be my score. Seven popped my mind. But my favorite number is eight. So, I concluded, I’ll be getting 87. Eighty is the passing score so I should be eighty-seven. As I enter the door to my station, I said, if this person smiles back at me, I’ll really get 87 but he didn’t. I think he’s busy.
Just before the exam, I made an outbound call to a customer. In my mind I said, if this customer’s issue is resolved, mine as well. But it wasn’t so I offered a callback.
While taking the exam, we’re given a chance to bookmark questions and answers that we are not so sure about. There are a hundred questions. Soon as I reach question number ninety-nine, I started counting the number of questions I bookmarked, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two. I stopped at twenty-two. I told myself that I really can’t make it because there are more than twenty questions that I’m not confident I answered correctly. I also told myself that I’ll keep the bookmark on question number twenty-one so I can go back to it later. But I cleared its bookmark instead then continued answering until it’s hard for me to go back to question 21 with the remaining fifteen minutes. I’m answering the 100th question in the last 14 minutes and decided to submit the final answer. When I look at the time, I still have 13 minutes. Just in a few seconds, the result showed up, I got 78.
I lay back to the fancy chair, and then told myself, I failed. “Sayang.”
I’m writing this down so I could remember the exact feeling after so many years. And of this writing, I’m listening to Jed Madela’s rendition of “Can’t we start over again?” Is this a coincidence? I’ll explain in my upcoming articles.
I wanted to stay for a few more minutes in the test room before I go back to my station before I tell my teammates and reviewers about the result. But the examiner had to go now which means I have to face the result and tell everyone about it.
Why everyone? Because I felt everyone is expecting. This exam is supposed to be a secret but it got sensationalized on me because it was announced when we don’t have a manager yet. Another manager told me the news that I’ll be taking the test and another manager’s kind heart offered that I get a review from previous passers from his team. How can I refuse such a good gesture besides these previous passers are willing to wait for my end-of-shift? And my previous supervisor announced that I’ll be taking the exam in one of our meetings so I really have to say yes when someone asks if it’s true.
All these pressures I have to absorb when I failed the test. And I should put in my mind that I failed right there and then. It’s hard because I have to pretend that it’s okay but I’m not. I can’t remember falling in any of my major exams since I started schooling, only now.
It was also my previous manager’s birthday celebration that day. I was invited to attend, I said I will join but at the back of my mind, I want to go home because I have to give myself a chance to feel and let go of the feeling. So I went back to my pad, sad and alone then went to sleep. I hadn’t had enough sleep last night.
I woke up and texted my ever-funny friend Arlene to go with me to watching Jed Madela’s mall show but she’s not available. She’ll be meeting her other friends. So I went to the mall alone.
In one of the biggest malls in the world, I found myself asking a customer service representative where I can see Jed’s show. She told to me to check the two venues that I’ve been to and suggested to try one last venue at the annex building. It’s getting late and I had to rush to be seated near the stage. I also asked a lady guard who gave directions I can’t understand, after the show, I found the shortcut. As I enter the annex building, I heard an emcee welcoming my favorite singer on stage. I was seated in the last row. What’s funny about this is as I wait to have the new CD signed, I saw my previous officemate, who’s also a fan of Jed, is too way ahead of me when it comes to Jed’s whereabouts. I ask one of the organizers to take a photo of me with Jed that I plan to post in my Friendster and facebook accounts.
My little sister texted me without any idea that his Kuya (big brother) just failed an important exam. I told her that I’m watching a mall show, which she replied that our mother said I should really take time to enjoy.
I went home with a newly signed CD and take-home food for dinner. As if I have someone to bring food at home. It’s only me who’s going to eat it later. I also rented two Filipino movies: one mainstream and one digital which I wasn’t able to see attentively because I got more struck reading a vegetarian blog site than watching the movies.
I received a text message from Arlene asking me to join their night out. I’m thinking of coming but I need to watch a beautiful Maalala Mo Kaya episode about working too hard and getting old.
Just after the television show, I find time to call my brother to greet him on his birthday. I almost forgot to greet him after all these rollercoaster emotions I’ve experienced in one day.
After talking to him for a few minutes I just realized I’m building a dream for them. I want him and my sister to engage more in sports. I intend to enroll them in summer workshops including my niece who I want to be a singer someday. Young as they are now I want them to develop their potential that when they reach my age they’ll be stronger and a lot more successful than me. But in my heart, I can always feel that I’m always that someone they look up to. Someday they’ll know through this article that Kuya failed but Kuya is losing gracefully.
True, I failed and there’s no explanation to cover that failure but in my heart and mind I know I did my all. I got no regrets because I know I did all that I’m asked to do. I believe it happens for a reason. It’s a reason that I still don’t know as of now. I’ll find out soon and I’ll tell you.
If you ask me if I believe in second chances, yes I do. I will have my own signs again to consider but I keep on dreaming. I keep the faith.
Years and years from now when I stopped dreaming for myself it would be when I’m realizing that my dreams for my little brother and sister, little niece and nephews are unfolding in my very eyes. Then I can say, I never lost a thing, I just learned lessons.
No comments:
Post a Comment