To all my friends who have sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck,
NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!
Could you please just send
cash, rum, chocolate, wine, or airline tickets instead?
Thank you! J
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
New policy in heaven
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
'No problem, the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of th at guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,' and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.
'Mr. Trump , before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'
Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground , unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,' and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.' Clinton says,
'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
'No problem, the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of th at guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,' and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.
'Mr. Trump , before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'
Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground , unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,' and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.' Clinton says,
'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......
Your ABC
AVoid negative sources, people, places, things & habbits.
Believe in youself
Consider things from every angle.
Don't give up and don't give in.
Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come.
Family and friends are hidden treasures; enjoy their riches.
Give more than you planned to.
Hang on to your dreams.
Ignore those who try to discourage you.
Just do it.
Keep trying no matter how hard it seems, it will get easier.
Love yourself first and most.
Make it happen.
Never lie, cheat or steal, always strike a fair deal.
Open your eyes and see things as they really are.
Practice makes perfect.
Quitters never win and winners never quit.
Read, study and learn about everything important in your life.
Stop procrastinating.
Take control of your own destiny.
Understand yourself in order to better understand others.
Visualize it.
Want it more than anything.
Xcellerate your efforts.
You are unique of all God's creations, nothing can replace YOU.
Zero in on your target and go for it!
Believe in youself
Consider things from every angle.
Don't give up and don't give in.
Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come.
Family and friends are hidden treasures; enjoy their riches.
Give more than you planned to.
Hang on to your dreams.
Ignore those who try to discourage you.
Just do it.
Keep trying no matter how hard it seems, it will get easier.
Love yourself first and most.
Make it happen.
Never lie, cheat or steal, always strike a fair deal.
Open your eyes and see things as they really are.
Practice makes perfect.
Quitters never win and winners never quit.
Read, study and learn about everything important in your life.
Stop procrastinating.
Take control of your own destiny.
Understand yourself in order to better understand others.
Visualize it.
Want it more than anything.
Xcellerate your efforts.
You are unique of all God's creations, nothing can replace YOU.
Zero in on your target and go for it!
Dear Friends,
Dear Friends,
Just wanted to tell everyone that I am so grateful to have each of you in my life.I pray you all have a blessed day. It was difficult for me to decide who I thought would DO this because many people claim to pray, but not everyone does. I hope I chose the right twelve. Please send this back to me (You'll see why). May everyone who received this message be blessed. REMEMBER to Pray. That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached. Just send this to twelve. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost, just a lot of reward. Make sure you pray, and pray believing God will answer. May today be all you need it to be. May the peace of God and the freshness of the Holy Spirit rest in your thoughts, rule in your dreams tonight, and conquer all your fears. May God manifest himself today in ways you have never experienced. May your joys be fulfilled, your dreams be closer, and your prayers be answered. I pray that faith enters a new height for you; I pray that your territory is enlarged. I pray for peace, healing, good health, happiness, prosperity, joy, true and undying love for God. I pray that God will reveal himself to each of you this week. I know God put each of you in my life for a special reason and I am so blessed to know each of you.
Just wanted to tell everyone that I am so grateful to have each of you in my life.I pray you all have a blessed day. It was difficult for me to decide who I thought would DO this because many people claim to pray, but not everyone does. I hope I chose the right twelve. Please send this back to me (You'll see why). May everyone who received this message be blessed. REMEMBER to Pray. That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached. Just send this to twelve. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost, just a lot of reward. Make sure you pray, and pray believing God will answer. May today be all you need it to be. May the peace of God and the freshness of the Holy Spirit rest in your thoughts, rule in your dreams tonight, and conquer all your fears. May God manifest himself today in ways you have never experienced. May your joys be fulfilled, your dreams be closer, and your prayers be answered. I pray that faith enters a new height for you; I pray that your territory is enlarged. I pray for peace, healing, good health, happiness, prosperity, joy, true and undying love for God. I pray that God will reveal himself to each of you this week. I know God put each of you in my life for a special reason and I am so blessed to know each of you.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer
sat down on a subway next to a
priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face
was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was
sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began
reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to
the priest and asked, "Say Father,
what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's
caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol, contempt for your fellow
man, sleeping around with prostitutes
and lack of a bath.
"The drunk muttered in response,
"Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned
to
his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he
had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't
mean to come on so strong. How
long
have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it,
Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
MAYONNAISE JAR: A Different Take on Time Management
When things in your life seem
almost too much to handle,
when 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar
and 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
he picked up a very large
and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students
if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles
and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open
areas between the golf balls.
He then asked
the students again
if the jar was full..
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded
with an unanimous
"yes."
The professor then produced
two cups of coffee from under the table
And poured the entire contents
into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor,
as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that
this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things -
God, family, children, health,friends, and Favorite passions --
things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained,
your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter
like your job, house, and car.
The sand is everything else --
the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first,"
he continued,
"there is no room for
the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time
and energy on the small stuff,
you will never have room forthe things that are
important to you.
So...
Pay attention to the things
that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time
to clean the house
and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the golf balls first --
the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.
"One of the students raised her hand
and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled.
"I'm glad you asked".
It just goes to show you that no matter how full
your life may seem, there's always room for
a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
almost too much to handle,
when 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar
and 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
he picked up a very large
and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students
if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles
and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open
areas between the golf balls.
He then asked
the students again
if the jar was full..
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded
with an unanimous
"yes."
The professor then produced
two cups of coffee from under the table
And poured the entire contents
into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor,
as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that
this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things -
God, family, children, health,friends, and Favorite passions --
things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained,
your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter
like your job, house, and car.
The sand is everything else --
the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first,"
he continued,
"there is no room for
the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time
and energy on the small stuff,
you will never have room forthe things that are
important to you.
So...
Pay attention to the things
that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time
to clean the house
and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the golf balls first --
the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.
"One of the students raised her hand
and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled.
"I'm glad you asked".
It just goes to show you that no matter how full
your life may seem, there's always room for
a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
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