Sunday, June 20, 2010

Did you know?


Did you know?

♦It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

♦One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

♦The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

♦Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

♦A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

♦There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

♦Women blink twice as often as men.

♦The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

♦Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

♦If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

♦Women reading this will be finished now.

♦Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

INSTALLING A HUSBAND


INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as

* Romance 9..5 and
* Personal Attention 6.5,

and then installed undesirable programs , such as

* NBA 5.0,
* NFL 3.0 and
* MLB 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

* Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.


_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind,


* Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
* Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update.
* If that application works as designed, Husband1..0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can causeHusband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 orBeer 6.1 .
* Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, D0 NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to re - install the Boyfriend 5.0program. These are unsupported applications and will crashHusband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
* Cooking 3.0 and
* Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Married Humour


Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."


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Wife: "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife: "Yes and no."


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Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"

Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."

Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"

Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"


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Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."


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Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."

Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."


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A newly married man asked his wife,

"Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"


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Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."


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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."


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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor"


--------------------

SERENITY


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
*******
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
*******
The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs. I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia .... Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98..
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,' For fast relief.'

�THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The eyesight to tell the difference.

This will give you the chills


This will give you the chills........ GOOD chills.


A young man had been to Wednesday Night Bible Study.


The Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord's voice

The young man couldn't help but wonder, "Does God still speak to people?"


After service, he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message.

Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways.


It was about ten o'clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray, "God...If you still speak to people, speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey."


As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk.


He shook his head and said out loud, "God is that you?" He didn't get a reply and started on toward home.


But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk.


The young man thought about Samuel and how he didn't recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli.

"Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk." It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home.


As he passed Seventh Street , he again felt the urge, "Turn Down thatstreet."


This is crazy he thought, and drove on past the intersection.


Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street


At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh.


Half jokingly, he said out loud, "Okay, God, I will."


He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in a semi- commercial area of town. It wasn't the best, but it wasn't the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed.


Again, he sensed something, "Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street." The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat.


"Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up,they are going to be mad and I will look stupid." Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk.


Finally, he opened the door, "Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something, but if they don't answer right away, I am out of here."


He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man's voice yelled out, "Who is it? What do you want?"


Then the door opened before the young man could get away.


The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn't seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. "What is it?"


The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, "Here, I brought this to you." The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway.


Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen.. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face.

The man began speaking and half crying, "We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk."


His wife in the kitchen yelled out, "I ask him to send an Angel with some. Are you an Angel?"

The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in the man's hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and the tears were streaming down his face.


He knew that God still answers prayers.

I love this Doctor

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! -- I really love this doctor!!!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.